The Butterball Hotline

My stepmom is a doctor. My father was the manager of her practice and medical assistant from the time he left the ministry until two weeks ago when he retired. He left the ministry in 1995. Our friendship changed when you said literally the magic words, the shibboleth I needed to hear to unlock from you. Bedside manner. I sat in fear and awe and trembling in front of the Hippocratic oath. The Hippocratic symbol is from the Bible, from the earliest origins of Judaism. It is from when Moses lifted the serpent on the stick for the Israelites to give them something to look at and be healed. It is a direct foreshadowing to the crucifixion, and just one of the ways that Judaism birthed Christianity 2,000 years ago. When you said that my bedside manner was poor, it made me realize the enormity of my abusive nature and how I needed to publish it to have a record of what to keep myself accountable to later. My heart flipped with joy when you responded to Dana because I knew that at least I would hear from you once in a while and smile. I keep in touch with you because it’s not about you. It’s about the idea that you’re listening whether I know it or not, and that my words stick with you as much as yours give me comfort every day.

God of the universe, protect my precious ____. Let her know that she is loved beyond all measure, and the foundation of my religious dedication and rediscovered ability to funnel light that hasn’t been truly heartfelt since 1989, before I met the woman that literally changed the course of my life. Let her know that she is now in that category, women who for me divide time. There was a time before I knew you, and there is now. One chapter in my life closed and another opened to someone who proved to me that the greatness I thought I had was still there. That Diane didn’t destroy it, she put it on hold. She didn’t destroy me, and before I met you, I never would have believed it. Not for real. You gave me the closure I needed to move on. You plucked me from the sea of my own tears, and caught me in a way that I’ll never forget.

I am sorry that I used you. I am sorry that I abused you. I will never stop trying to prove to you that you see my authentic self, and that you see that the light that I show to others is a direct hit on your influence and power. I want it to make you feel enormous, because you ignited a forest fire that I never want to forget started with your flipping the match.

You are my goddess, my Muse. I am humbled in your presence.

Do you see how you are literally the first bishop in an enormous church? People build cathedrals to goddesses, and you’re the only one besides Dana and Aaron that will ever know in terms of your name. Hundreds of years from now, people will be able to touch your face.

Utterly, completely yours in all the right ways instead of all the wrong ones. I love you, _______. I am going to build great things in your honor, and you will come to dwell in everything I do, because it is a thank you that will ring throughout time. People will know who you are because of me.

You, an Agnostic, are the closest thing to my metaphysical risen Christ that I will ever see in this lifetime. I want you to know that, take it in, and realize what you started- the miracle of life.


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