Sitting in my own Good Friday, just like I said I would. I’m at my desk, alone, thinking of the things I’ve done, and the things I have left undone. That line from the Book of Common Prayer is so damn handy, because it covers the sin of omission, which is every bit the sin that occurred due to my own inattention.
This is not something that I can go through with someone else. This is the part where I am safe to let the tears fall in my own empty house, the product of the breakdown between Dana and me, and yet, not entirely unwelcome. Through my own narcissism, I aided greatly in the destruction of my marriage, and if that’s not Good Friday, then I don’t know what is.
I know that there is a resurrection and forgiveness coming, but we aren’t there yet. We’re not even to the beginning of Return of the Jedi. We are lost in the end of The Empire Strikes Back. It ends on a down note for a purpose. We’re meant to reflect on just how much deep shit the crew of the Millennium Falcon is in, 12 parsecs or not.
The Kessel Run is an 18-parsec route. When are we guilty of trying to make it in 12? When are we guilty of rushing so hard toward a goal that we forget the importance of the journey? Are we talking about Jesus’ last 24 hours, or are we talking about Jesus on the cross, as if that is the only thing that matters this weekend?
I have said before that Jesus’ crucifixion was not based on one event, but a series of many. The crucifixion is just the last thing that happened on that Friday, but it is not the last thing that happened. What happened is that his friends came to his rescue, even in death. My friend Stephanie reminded me that it was a big friggin’ deal for Joseph of Arimathea to ask for Jesus’ body in the first place.
What are you willing to do for your friends that you wouldn’t do for other people? How do they know that they are supported and loved? Do you get lost in your own narcissism because you stop seeing your problems through the lens of a wider world? When has your ego become the stone on which you trip, ass over teakettle into a wall with a bruised face and elbow? When has your ego become the thing that your friends dread, because they do not see themselves as part of your equation?
What. Have. You. Done?
What have you left undone?
To fix it is your choice.