Here is why there is no way on earth that I will trust Dana with anything ever again. The final break took from last night to this morning, because I realized that I was worth more than what she was handing down. She’s kissed me on the mouth. She has relaxed into my arms and called it good. She has said that she doesn’t know what she wants, and that it’s going to take time to figure it all out. I have alternatively been the world’s best pussywhipped bitch and its psycho ex simultaneously, because I want to please her…. and I tried right up until I realized it was time to stop, because it was a goal just out of my reach, and would be from now on. I get frustrated and angry when I realize how much work I have put into this relationship since we’ve split, because I didn’t want to give Dana and I more to work through later in reconciliation/mediation. For instance, yesterday she had to make cakes for the Easter lunch she attended. She left the kitchen in a total wreck, so I cleaned up, ran the dishwasher, made dinner, put the rest up for her lunch the next day, and cleaned the kitchen again. Keep in mind that I am at HER new house, doing these things for her while she’s partying with other people and I am waiting in her living room like a five dollar hooker. I am not the toy. I am the wife. I will never be your toy, no matter how much you want to chew on it, capiche? I do the things that you’re supposed to do in a relationship to let someone know you love them on the ground. Last night, as she was talking to her parents, I realized that I wanted to be someone’s girlfriend, not their dirty little secret that they hide from their parents.
Now I know that she never planned to go to reconciliation counseling at all. It was a nice idea while it lasted. But she does love my family, and she doesn’t see what anger and resentment it creates in me for her to go along with them like nothing has changed. I told her that when her mom and dad started calling me, then I might be okay with it. My parents have poured out love and whatever else it is that Dana needs during this time. Dana’s parents haven’t even dropped me a note to say they’re sorry. To worry about that loss is unimportant in the grand scheme of things, but only reinforces to me how ill-fitting the clothes of their family were for me. I am so tired of being the friend and family Dana needs while she tells people that there’s no hope for us as a couple anymore. If she has told you that in the last week or so, please know that she said it after standing in front of my house kissing me for ten minutes on the sidewalk where the whole neighborhood could see………… but you couldn’t.
I figured out what a line of bullshit this was- the one where I have ALL the problems- last night, when I was sitting next to Dana on the couch as she told her mother that we were starting to enjoy each other’s company. Her mother said, “but you’re not tempted to get back together, are you?” Or something equally pejorative. Dana said, “it’s not an issue.” Her mother said, “are you sure?” It’s clear to me that Dana is trying to tell her mother something that I cannot hear, and I know what it is. I just can’t express it. I stood up, put on my shoes, gathered my things, and left. I know that what she really wants to say is something along the lines of “I’m just appeasing the crazy lady.” I am so tired of it. She hasn’t gotten a single psych visit since our fistfight, and so I would rather focus on all the healing work I’ve done to try and reverse the damage that I’ve caused on my own. Dana is not a direction. Dana is a distraction. I can love her all day, every day, and our relationship will never get any better. This is because she thinks that I should just be able to let everything roll off and just be buddies. I felt like Dana was falling down on the job and had nothing to give me in terms of an equal relationship, because the power balance was skewed toward me as the breadwinner. Dana feels like she got sick and I pulled away from her when she needed me the most. I know that feeling just as well as she does, and so I pose another question to all of you, including her… when was the last time you tried to help a depressed person? Did anything you say make a difference? Did any action that you did convince them to feel better, or even just get dressed a little faster? I didn’t have any luck, and the tighter I got with Argo, the less I felt like a nagging wife who couldn’t stand that her partner would smile for everyone else but her…. because smiles are only for people who don’t know her that well. The smile is her mask every bit as it is mine. I know that place, I have it eroded into my skin from the flow of many emotional rivers. When I stopped being seen as loving and attentive and started being seen as the enemy who wouldn’t go away and leave her alone and stop nagging her to get up and do something, I did go away. I found someone else, but it was never meant to lead to anything but clean friendship. If I have a favorite moment with Argo, it was that she stated clearly that she wasn’t afraid to take the risk to get close to me, knowing how complicated I am and loving me through it, anyway. The other moment is her saying, “I guess we both have different ways to be in this relationship, and that isn’t wrong.” She said she didn’t know what else to say; I told her that it was the best thing she could have said EVER, because it didn’t fix anything. It just gave me room to be me. My thought process was, “ok. She doesn’t love you. Can you handle it?” I just rolled my eyes at myself and thought, “if I had a nickel for every girl I’d ever loved who didn’t love me back, I would have been able to buy a couple of Buccee’s by now. I do romantic from far away really well. It’s kinda my jam.” Why did I not think of falling in love online before? I mean, much easier to be Cyrano De Bergerac and hide in the bushes than ever have to face blending our personalities on the ground.
However, I hate that Dana thinks my love for Argo is somehow subtracting love from her…. that I don’t have enough love inside me to love them both. They occupy completely different parts of my brain; it’s not even really the same language. Because what Argo only knows in words, Dana knows in kissed boo-boos and dried tears. Love is on the ground just as much as it is in the cloud, and even though I know that I did wrong by letting someone else into my inner sanctum besides Dana, I can’t help but think that this situation wouldn’t have existed if Argo existed on the ground for me as well. I am sure she does somewhere- just not to me. Then, it would have been easier to see if I really was as terrible as Dana says, or if she also plays a role in trying to isolate me from people who love me as much as she does and to Dana, love became a competitive sport. Because why CAN’T they love me the same amount? They love me DIFFERENT. Dana took something sacred in my life and helped me to feel much dirtier about it than I did on my own, which was unsurprisingly, given my history, a lot. Because of Dana’s depression, I felt so guilty, and some of the things that I felt guilty about weren’t even based in reality. They were based in Dana’s perception.
I have no doubt that the romantic feelings for Argo will fade and in time, whether we’re in contact or not, I will be able to forgive myself for all the ways I used and abused her white, pure mother-love. I also have no doubt that I will forgive myself for thinking that I need to rid myself of so much shame and disgust, because I was not acting OUT. I was being true to my nature. My nature as an INFJ, whether it is in a romantic relationship or a platonic one, is that I only have one or two, and those people are a party to my inner world that no one else is. If they write a Gospel about me, I hope that they call Aaron and James the ones I loved, because they are with me even unto death. See Jesus? I DO pay attention when you talk. 😛 This is good, because my world is catching on fire and I didn’t do anything to put it out.
I couldn’t get roommates to move in with me, so I am trying to get ready to move before the end of the month, and I just found out that they’re going to be showing the house. So all the work that Dana has been promising to do and still hasn’t done is piling on my head and I don’t even care anymore. I would rather be homeless and friendless than have the woman I love toy with my heart like that. Then, just to add insult to injury, Dana started talking about her big 40th birthday party where all her friends are going to come and I’m not. I don’t care if Dana moves on. I just need her to fucking DO IT. I should have known not to call her, that I was still too upset from yesterday to even think about seeing her today, but I needed help more than I needed isolation and I chanced it. I was such an idiot in that moment, because I’d forgotten just how wounded and small it had made me feel to hear Dana’s life moving on without me while she was still pulling my heartstrings in a minor chord.