I don’t feel well today. I think it’s because ever since I got here, I’ve forced myself to go someplace and since I don’t drive, that has entailed a lot of walking. Uber is a little more expensive than the bus, plus, if I Uber everywhere, I am defeating the purpose of walking. As I said earlier, when I first got here I was 117 pounds and barely hanging on to that. I had so much fear and anxiety that I would go days at a time without eating…… ironically, because I felt like I’d bit off more than I could chew.
I didn’t have any anxiety about moving to Maryland, though. I had anxiety because everyone does when they’re going through a divorce. Even if you initiate, you go into shock. I have to hand it to Dana, though, because I didn’t blindside her. We just came to a fork in the road and kissed goodbye. As I have also said earlier, I have had a lot of shitty breakups in my life, so it was nice that God gave me a break with this one.
I think it is directly correlated to how much time we spent being best friends before I fell in love with her. Dana was sure she wanted to be with me within six weeks of meeting me. I took three and a half years to see that she was right. I am not sure why, but moving to Houston together undid us. Dana was unhappy from day one, but not because of Houston itself. She was unhappy because she set a goal for herself that fell through, and it sent her into a downward spiral of unworthiness not unlike the one I was experiencing myself. Ultimately, two very depressed people undid each other, which is why we decided to move on. We’ve both agreed that when it was good, it was really, really good, and that maybe we’ll try again and maybe we won’t, because we are so special to each other that taking getting back together off the table is absurd. But let me be clear. It is not a *goal.* It is a possibility in a realm of millions of permutations.
That was a large journey for me. I had to come to that realization over time, because making it a goal wasn’t helping either one of us. We didn’t need to be in a relationship for our own sanity, especially with each other because it got ugly at the end. When you irk each other to that level, something’s got to give, and it was me that called it, and yet, something I regret. However, the words of Soren Kierkegaard ring in my ears. “You cannot live life backwards. You can only live it forwards.” Since I hear them all the time, they’re finally sinking in. However, in some cases I can live life backwards, because I have an incredible repository of past memories in this space. I cannot change the past, but I *can* keep from repeating it.
The past me would not be able to function right now. The past me would not even bother getting out of bed. This time, the “afterthemath” has been easier. This is because even though things got ugly with Dana at the end, we had time to make up and forgive each other before I moved to DC, and when I moved, my life took off in a great direction that I didn’t think would ever occur, because I was too depressed to think that I was capable of it.
Now, that is not a problem. This church will be a reality, and I got so fired up about it with Judy that I realized it just couldn’t NOT happen. I realized that I was driven to a level I’d never been before, and even though I have to get a “real job” to be able to support myself, if it pays enough, I can afford to work part time. For instance, all of my contracts at Dell payed close to $20/hour, even though I was just doing simple stuff like transferring data from one computer to another, and it was all automated by shell scripts (“Go away, or I will replace you with a very small shell script” is my favorite t-shirt on Thinkgeek.com). I am capable of a lot more than that, but the thing with Dell contracts is that you can choose when you want to work and what type of projects you want to take. I originally started with Robert Half Technology, and have my application in now. We’ll see what comes of it, as government contracts often take a long time to get going, but at least I know that I will be solvent eventually.
In the meantime, I am proud of the work that I do on this web site, because I know that there are people with me on my journey that have been with me since the beginning. I have a list of subscribers and how long they’ve been reading, and some of them go back to the very first entry. Maybe one day I will be “flaming liberal Christian Dooce.” Maybe I won’t. But at the same time, I feel like I am at least decent enough a writer to try. I am relentless with my flaws because if I don’t name it, I won’t erase it. I am the type person that will never be satisfied with stagnation. I am too curious about the world to always stay the same. I have also made enough mistakes in my life that it would be pathetic not to learn from them. Sometimes, the best life can offer is making new mistakes rather than old ones, so if everything feels like it’s going down the drain, at least you know it’s a different sink.
For instance, I finally broke down and got a keyboard and mouse so that I didn’t have to use the touchpad while I’m blogging. Erasing 800-1100 words (because it’s happened more than once) is c’nest pas acceptable. Sash, see how I did that there? Actually, my Canadians will think my Frenglish is funny, too….. or as Honore de Balzac once said, “60% of English is French badly pronounced.” Bad French pronunciation happens to be my specialty. I learned this by taking a French course by CD from Michel Thomas. I listened to the first CD over and over and over, because I would lose where I was in the process and start over just because. I am *that* person. The one who always goes back to the beginning, because as a Virgo, I can’t not. I may not be able to organize my stuff for more than a week at a time, but I am anal retentive about starting from the beginning when I lose my place. This is why I have watched the beginning of Casablanca six times, because I’ve fallen asleep before the end every time. In fact, I still haven’t seen the end. I haven’t seen the end of “Return of the Jedi,” either. This is because I fall asleep at the Ewoks every single time.
This leads me back to a hiking trip with Dana, wherein we were almost to the top of Angels’ Rest when she said, “you know that scene in Return of the Jedi where Yoda dies?” I said, “YODA DIES???????????” and promptly fell over into a bush. Seriously, no hands out, complete surprise, ass over teakettle.
Sorry if I spoiled the end. Too soon?
I am home today because after walking as much as I have, I hurt all over. Therefore, today is being spent in front of my computer because there are now no jobs in which you do not have to fill out an online application, even fast food. I am applying for everything from Linux geek to burger flipping, because I am a burger flippin’ ho as well (wink).
Who knows? I might even end up at a car wash.
I accept tips.