My Mood & Behavior

My psychiatrist changed my protocol, and my dad asked me how my mood and behavior were. I’d never been asked that question, and I liked it. It was a doctorly thing to say, and yet, I haven’t had any doctor say that to me at all. Really must send my dad a thank-you card for that one. I owe him several, but this was special. It was a MOMENT, one of those things that sticks out in my brain as something simple that made me feel so much better because it was the question no one was asking and the one I needed to hear.

The answer is that my mood and behavior are great as long as I can stay awake for them. I feel settled in a way I never have, although upping my Lamictal was not the right choice, I don’t think. I don’t see any additional improvement and it makes my coordination even worse. I didn’t think that was possible since I already have a cerebral palsy, but I’ve fallen a lot more and one of them would have been a disaster if I hadn’t had my hands out. My doctor warned me this would happen, and it is not a side effect that I want to live with. Alternatively, adding the Klonopin at night has helped tremendously. I sleep well, and that is an essential part of a good mood.

The only thing that hasn’t put me in a good mood is that someone told me that they were afraid of what was lurking underneath, as if all of these major life changes are just a mask. It is the most untrue thing I’ve heard in weeks. There’s nothing lurking underneath except love, acceptance, and joy. The split personality I’ve been working with since I was a teenager is gone. I feel completely integrated, because the endless ruminations about Diane are gone. I don’t have to think about her anymore, and I haven’t had that peace since I was 12. It’s like all of the sudden, I am the person I used to be, and I’m getting to know her one step at a time. I am investing in myself in a way I’ve never had the ability- as I’ve said in earlier posts, the ability to plan forward instead of thinking about the past and how to bring it into the future with me. It’s just not possible, and I’ve finally learned that lesson. Being happy with the present and future was letting the past be the past and not trying to change it at all…. because I thought it was possible in my own little world, and it’s just not. I can no longer be the teenager stuck in an adult body ruminating on how to fix everything that’s been wrong that’s already happened. I feel healthy and healing instead of battered and broken.

I look forward to starting school, although Howard’s lack of movement has put me in the position that I can’t start in the fall. I’ll have to wait until winter. That’s going to be fun…. trudging through the snow to get to school on time. I don’t think that I will ever have children, but if I did, it would be the ultimate story…. “when I was younger, I had to trudge five miles uphill in the snow to get to school…….” Although I am old enough now that I could also tell them I rode a dinosaur and they might believe me.

I have put my application in to McDonald’s, but no callback yet. I want to work there because they have money. Big money. And they are fond of using it for education. My friend Stacey paid her way through college by working there. Which invariably leads me to old school Kanye:

But why y’all washing watch him
He gone make it into a Benz out of that Datsun
He got that ambition, baby, look in his eyes
This week he mopping floors, next week it’s the fries……

At Mickey D’s, there are scholarships out the wazoo (where is the wazoo, exactly?), so what I’m hoping is that I can use McDonald’s for tuition reimbursement. If I don’t get a job there, I will go to another company that also has tuition reimbursement because I really, really love college.

That reminds me. I haven’t looked on Howard’s web site to see if they have any positions open. I can’t believe I didn’t think of that. It’s been staring me in the face and I missed it. Why did I not think of this before? My background is academic technology. Duh. I think my brain malfunctioned on that one. But to be fair, I’m on new medication that makes me so sleepy that in order to function I have to drink more caffeine than I’m sure my doctor would like. I have hi-caf black tea and those Crystal Light packets with caffeine. They don’t have that much, but they do if you slam three of them like I just did.

I am also looking at director positions in places that work with youth. I have checked out all the churches in the area, and I haven’t found anyone that’s looking for a youth director. Most of the churches around here are looking for pastors, which, honestly, I could probably do in my sleep (luckily, because I am sleepy most of the time), but having that stole and that degree means something. The ordination ceremony means something. Just because I’ve done every job in the church since I was old enough to participate and have learned how to construct a sermon doesn’t mean jack shit until I have the papers to prove that I’m capable, because it means as much to me as it does to my denomination. I can’t wait to stand in front of the bishop and have hands placed upon me. I can picture it as clearly as I can picture the mouse on my desk. This is why school is so important. I need a cohort in grad school with which to mold a clear theology, and to present to my group what I’ve come up with so far. I’m glad that I live in a city with a UCC school, and don’t have to do everything online. You’d think I’d be more comfortable in an online classroom, but it isn’t true. I realized that in my relationship with Argo. Since we were only online friends, we were only seeing a fraction of each other, when in reality, we are both so much more than what we put on the page. It will be a different concept for my cohort to see all of me, not just how I present myself on “paper.”

It’s why I love Tinder so much. People talk about it as a sex app, but not once have I encountered that. I’ve met women that live close to me that actually can meet me for coffee and we can talk in real life instead of typing out responses that may or may not reflect the authenticity of who we are.

In fact, “lawyer chic” and I met for drinks at Afterwords, and then our second date was going to Blues Alley for a jazz concert. OMG did she ever know the way to my heart. All of their entrees had jazz musicians attached to them, even Maynard Ferguson. There’s no pressure with this whole dating thing. It feels right to have someone to go out and do things, without worrying about where we are and where we’re going. I don’t know if it will go anywhere, but I do know that I enjoy her company and that has to count for something. Neither of us are or want to be tied down to one person, and I think that’s appropriate for me considering I cannot think of anyone but Dana when I dream. In my dreams, we are still the hilarious couple we set out to be, and everything is back to normal. When I wake up, reality is not scary… but it does mean that I am not ready for a relationship. I probably won’t be for a long time. Both when Meag and I broke up and when Kathleen and I broke up, I waited three years to be in another relationship. That’s six years total of being by myself and trying to figure out who I am.

And that’s where I am now. Who am I without Dana? Who am I without anyone else?

Stay tuned.


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