Coffee of the Day

I made it to SBUX by 7:00, having a venti coffee of the day. Unusual for me because I normally like tea, but as predicted, I couldn’t fall asleep last night because of all the coffee I’d drunk at work. I went to bed around midnight, and vowed to get my little butt out the house ASAP in the AM so that I’d definitely be tired by the time choir practice was over. I’m really digging all of the Advent stuff Nae picked for this year, but I think I am coming down with a cold, which definitely tempers my excitement.

Actually, I’m not sure whether it’s a cold or not. I’ve been so stuffed up for so long that it may just be allergies. That being said, both Samantha and my office mate have colds, so I may have something on the radar. The gift that keeps on giving. Sheesh. At least as a doctor’s kid, I am an expert on colds by now. Rule #1: There’s nothing you can do for it.

I generally just take Sudafed and Humibid unless viral becomes bacterial down the road. You know, the same crap I take every day for allergies? Maybe it’s time to up my game and see an allergist. We’ll see. I don’t have enough time right now to go to a doctor’s appointment, anyway.

Excited for what the day will bring, because everyone in the office has met me. I just can’t get there early, because I don’t have an ID badge or a key to let myself in. Starbucks is the perfect “hang” until I catch my train. When I get settled, I have a lot of work to do. Several accounts need attention, and I’m excited to flex some SQL muscle. SELECT from, bitches. 😛

I may also get to do some HTML/CSS, and that’s exciting in and of itself. I love web coding. It makes me happy because something creative comes out of it. I don’t do any coding on this web site, because I made the executive decision that I didn’t want to pay for server space. That may change once I have money in my pocket, because I can’t monetize anything on WordPress.com. If you see ads on my web site, that means I’ve moved to my own server and have installed Google Adsense or something similar. I don’t *need* to make money from this web site, but having a stream of income that is totally leave-it-alone sounds appetizing.

That reminds me of a gun safety commercial they used to run in NE Texas when I was a kid. I don’t know if it was national or not, but it was this good ol’ boy saying that if you find a gun, “leave it alone. Don’t touch it. Call an adult.” Rules for life, really.

Leave it alone. Don’t touch it. Call an adult.

Starting to say, “oh, wait. That’s me.” We didn’t have youth group last week because of the holiday, but we will this week, and it’s one of the highlights. The kids are so perfect in their light, and it doesn’t hurt one bit that they love me, too. We’ve decided on a mission trip for this summer in Atlanta. We have a couple of free nights, so I made a big deal out of telling the 7th grade boys about “The World of Coca-cola.” I haven’t been there yet, and it’s a life goal. Sodas from all over the world? Yes, please.

I don’t know if I can go or not, because I don’t know how long I have to be with the company before I can use my vacation. However, I think I accrue two to three weeks the first year. I remember that it was more generous than the standard, but not by how much. We’ll see. If I go, I will need a vacation from my vacation, because that’s a week of working hard all day and sleeping on the floor at night. When I was a kid, Diane cracked my shit up by asking me how “Communist Camp” was. I laughed until I cried.

Laughter is a big deal in my life right now. Focusing on the blessing of laughter removes me from situations in which I feel sad or angry. Focusing on the ways that people who’ve hurt me have also made me laugh keeps me from dwelling on the hurt and focusing on all the ways they’ve enriched my life.

Although holidays are the hardest, and today is one.

Thinking of my family and friends today in order to keep moving, one foot in front of the other. As I have said before, peace takes shoe leather, and I hope I’m putting enough in. On some days, I know it. On others, grief and sadness at both the way I’ve behaved and others have reacted to it threaten to overtake the way I’m trying to live in the world. The trick is putting on music that makes me feel good, like listening to Aqua and remembering “dance breaks” with Drew in the kitchen at Biddy’s.

Right now, Alice Russell’s cover of “Seven Nation Army” is playing overhead. It’s a throwback to better days, and I am grateful for the memory. Music is such a huge factor in my mood and behavior. At work, I listen to a playlist on Spotify called “Deep Focus,” which keeps my attention and encourages me to keep going with my work when I think I cannot take one more second. Because I am ADHD, deep focus takes work. The temptation is to get up and walk around, but I try to limit that because disrupting myself leads to forgetting where I left off.

I learned in the hospital, though, that my ADHD isn’t as bad as I thought it was. Most of the symptoms that I experience are also symptoms of PTSD, and occupational therapy really opened my eyes to it. When old tapes threaten to take away my thoughts of my future, I know how to combat them rather than just sitting in them and letting my stomach get all twisted in knots.

Ironically enough, the thing that helps me is remembering that Diane did make it. She did survive the years in which I was so alarmed. She rose above it in order to become a success. Whether I was a part of that, I’ll never know and I’m okay with it. But at least I don’t have to worrry about her anymore. She’s fine and I can let go, blessing and releasing all of my “Kid Fears” (an Indigo Girls song for those who wonder why it’s in quotes).

It’s time to get on the Metro. Check you later. Love you miss you mean it. 😉

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