Deep Focus

I am listening to a Spotify station that I use frequently while coding called “Deep Focus,” and it is working. I haven’t even looked up from my desk in five hours. There’s one script I can’t get to execute properly and I am getting frustrated, but not enough to slam my head against my desk… yet. I need a set of fresh eyes on it, because I am using exactly the same logic that I’m using with every other section that works, it just doesn’t work with this one. I know that every time there’s a problem with the code, it’s my fault, because the computer only does what I tell it. However, if I am using logic that works, why doesn’t it work all the way through? I am scratching my head. Thank God I took my anti-anxiety meds this morning. It’s a huge dose of Fuckitol™ so that I don’t end up a weeping mess when things Just. Won’t. Work. I can handle frustration much easier, and let me tell you, code that won’t work is just about as frustrating as it gets in my world. Thank God I’m not a surgeon or something, because at least when my job is frustrating because something doesn’t work, no one dies. Perspective.

I almost didn’t take a lunch today, and then I realized that if I didn’t eat, things would get even more frustrating because my energy would start flagging and things would seem even more insurmountable. Now that I have had a break and some food, maybe things will look different. It’s hard when you’re staring at the same code for hours at a time, because it’s usually something you think is there, but it’s not. Kind of like bloggign and not seeing tpyos. 😛

I will make this code my bitch, but it’s just taking a little longer than I thought it would. What makes me feel good about this project is that it’s for a very, very famous non-profit, so I feel like I’m doing something good for humanity even in my own nerdy way. It’s important to me to have soul in my job, and this is it. Reminds me of the time I was having a REALLY, REALLY crappy day at work doing support cases and one came across my desk and I dialed the number without looking. They answered the phone “Doctors Without Borders” and I nearly choked. All of the sudden, frustration over… because even though computer support can make your eyebrows go over your forehead, you’re not trying to save people in war-torn countries with outdated medical supplies… or none at all and improvising with strips of cloth and bubble gum. Perspective.

I woke up late and it just threw my day off to an enormous degree. I wasn’t late this morning, because I usually get up three hours before I need to be here, and today I woke up two. So it wasn’t a thing, I just didn’t get my writing time or my SBUX. I took a caffeine pill and drank a soda instead. I have to have lots of caffeine in the morning because I take sleeping pills to ensure I get a good night’s sleep. It helps to shake off the sleeping medication so that I can function. If I do not have caffeine in the morning, I kind of look like an extra on The Walking Dead.

However, I will not give up my sleeping pills, because I’ve found one that keeps me from dreaming, and that’s a good thing. When I dream, I go back in time and try to fix things that aren’t fixable and aren’t worthy of my time. I am in the process of moving forward, and dreaming about the past isn’t going to help that in the slightest. I don’t talk to Dana in my sleep anymore, I don’t talk to Argo, I don’t talk to anyone. While it was nice to have uninterrupted time with them in my dreams, it wasn’t helping me leave the past there.

It is onward and upward. Perspective.

Amen.

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