Not Feelin’ It

I am just not feelin’ it today. I doubt anything brilliant will come out of my mouth because I haven’t had any conversations in which I can lift wisdom verbatim. šŸ˜› It’s so much easier to write these things when other people just write them for me. Thinking about Susan and waiting for a letter from her, because they make me smile in a world that’s kind of grey. And by “kind of,” I mean that it’s really starting to hit me that it’s been a year since the divorce and I only feel somewhat better. I mean, I start and end my day alone, and that feels good. It’s everything in the middle that sucks. Starting and ending my day alone makes me feel like I am adulting. Not having a partner feels like something is missing, like phantom pain in a missing limb. But I couldn’t be married to just anyone. It’s not being married that’s the thing. If I just wanted someone to take care of me or someone to do my finances or what the fuck ever, I could hire it done. I miss long conversations staring at the ceiling fan lying on our bed. I miss sharing secrets and flipping each other shit. I miss the piece of my soul that belonged to Dana, and I can’t wait until it’s just a dull roar. Our former anniversary is on the fourth, two days away, and body memory is threatening and full of joy all at the same time.

I don’t mistake the part for the whole, kind of like playing or singing something almost perfectly, missing a few notes. If I focus on the bad notes, I will not remember all the ones that floated off easily.

I made so many mistakes, but I choose to focus on the times I didn’t, because they bring me joy, and I want to live in that than the great Waterloo that has consumed me over the past few years.

I don’t know why Dana doesn’t want to have contact, I don’t know why she doesn’t want to work on our relationship, I don’t know why I’m not sure I would, either. But what I do know is that it doesn’t matter. I mean, I have some excellent guesses, but that’s all they are. There’s a difference between projecting feelings onto someone and knowing what they actually are, and that’s usually the disconnect in communication, anyway.

Focusing on those things will only drive me crazy instead of bringing me peace of mind. Peace of mind is focusing on the fact that I live in DC now, far away from anything that I have known previously because I live outside the city on the Maryland side, which I’ve never done before, but have grown to love. My neighborhood reminds me a lot of Portland, actually. There are so many things I love about it that it just doesn’t make sense to focus on what has been, but what will be. I have it on my to-do list to find a psychiatrist and a therapist, but it’s very hard now that I work 9:00a-6p. My primary care doctor can refill the protocol that I’m already on, and he takes my insurance. So it’s not like I’m twisting in the wind, just lacking some things that would really improve my quality of life if I could just remember to get up from my desk once in a while. I rarely leave here directly at 6:00. I am working more like 46-48 hours a week. We all do, and because I’m in the middle of a project, it’s hard to take personal time to go to the doctor. When things smooth out, I will be much more forward about asking, but right now, it’s too much. I can’t afford to lose time when I already have the medication I need, and I’m getting a lot of therapy right here (no, really), it’s just self-directed.

It sounds like a piss-poor excuse until I feel a bit anxious about actually asking my boss for time off, especially since I just started in Dec… but I’m sure you can all identify.

Ice cream also helps, especially when I’m not feelin’ it.

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