I got myself to work this morning just in time to have hair-raising diarrhea, then go back to my desk, and ten minutes later run for another round. By this time, I asked my boss if I could work from home, because if this was going to keep up, I could work just fine, but I wanted my own bed and my own bathroom. He said that I could take some leave, but he couldn’t authorize work from home. So I knew I had some stuff in production this afternoon, and told him I would try to be back later. I went directly to CVS and bought some Immodium and took two. The plan was to go home and get some rest, letting the meds have some time to kick in and maybe fit in another dose if the first one didn’t do the job.
Over the past two nights, I’ve had pain on the left side of my abdomen, and it wasn’t that bad. I got in the car to drive home and had to stop on the side of the road, I was in so much pain. I decided to skip the trip home and went back to Urgent Care, after calling my primary care doctor and them telling me they wouldn’t see me until I’d had a new patient appointment, even though I was telling them I was in distress. I didn’t have much time to be angry about it. I was crying the pain was so bad, and that is unusual because I don’t cry. I just don’t. Especially since I take medication for anxiety, there’s nothing that rattles me much anymore. So, I took that as a sign to just get to any doctor as fast as I could.
The last time I had this pain, I was lying on a bed in the hallway at Inova Fairfax, where upon pelvic exam they thought it could be appendicitis and gave me enough morphine to tranquilize an elephant. I’m fairly certain that part of giving me such a large dose was to make me utterly uncaring that they had no beds and I was just right out there, hanging in the hallway……
But then the doctor said that it was what they call a urachal remnant, a medical condition that occurs in a lot of babies where the urachus doesn’t close all the way after disconnecting from the umbilical cord. Most people don’t notice unless it gets infected, which is why I was just right out there, hanging in the hallway…
So, it feels like the same kind of pain, but the PA said that it was probably diverticulitis. This does not feel right to me, as I have not eaten anything that would irritate my colon like that in weeks (salads, popcorn, etc.). It also doesn’t make sense that in the last month, I’ve had a Z-Pack and Augmentin and started Bactrim today, so if the diagnosis of “urachal remnant” was correct, how could it have gotten infected in the first place? Between the pain in my gut and the pneumonia that will not take its fries and drive the fuck thru, I am feeling pretty punk.
When the nurse palpated my abdomen, she said, “well, you could be pregnant!” I said, “I know I’m not.” She said, “well….. you never know!” Like she was trying to cheer me up. Seriously. Inside my head I’m thinking, “she can SEE ME, right?” I posted this on Facebook and Auna said, “spit don’t make no babies.” I said, “neither does abstinence.”
I still practiced my “Mom, I’ve had an Immaculate Conception” speech just in case. When the PA came into the room, he palpated my abdomen to the point I was crying again and told me my UA was clean, another surprise because I thought it might be a bladder infection of some sort.
He put me on a clear liquid diet for today and tomorrow, then some toast if I felt up to it on Saturday.
And just in case you’re wondering, this post makes me feel a thousand years old.
Stories That Are All True 