After I got finished at the doctor’s office, I got my prescriptions and went back to work. I didn’t really want to, but there was just too much to do to stay home. Besides, I’ll likely have to take off some time next week so I can get a new patient appointment with my PCP. The best part is that the PA gave me some Ultram, so I am not bothered by my abdomen as I am working away. I just hope it’s not something serious, because that would put my coworkers in a bind, and that’s the last thing I want to do at this early stage in the game.
I am sticking to the clear liquid diet, because I got the herbal Oprah Chai instead of the black. I’m going to load it up with Splenda and just pretend there’s milk in it. I’m also going to stop by 7-Eleven, because I’ve found a couple of great flavors, although the salty green is still my favorite after all these years. My second favorite is cucumber limon, which makes the best N/A margarita on earth. For $1.50, I can feel like I’m sitting on a beach somewhere. It reminds me of the margaritas at Tapalaya, where Ryan always made cucumber-infused tequila for the margaritas, a little bit of heaven on earth.
I’ve found that my mission in life is to find all the gorgeous mocktails, because now my taste buds have changed and there are very few drinks I actually like. Scales made me an Aperol Spritzer the other night, and it was delicious. But alcohol is not something I generally seek out, having worked in a bar and a restaurant and having enough alcohol to last my whole life. And then Dana started working at a liquor store and there was temptation all around that I just wasn’t into anymore.
It all started with Aaron, who doesn’t drink at all, and I didn’t want to be the douche that drank in front of him because I Wanted him to be comfortable at our house. And then I found that I liked not drinking A LOT. And if it is doing anything to my health, I’m not sure it has anything to do with this issue particularly, but I do feel 100% better when my psych meds and my cocktails aren’t duking it out for attention.
I was in a bad way, not in the alcoholic sense, because I never drunk enough to flip that switch in my brain. But I was drinking enough that taking psych meds was a placebo at best. I also didn’t want to be Dana’s drinking buddy anymore. She has other friends for that, and part of moving was quitting cold turkey. Although quitting has its parameters. I can count on both hands the number of times I’ve gone for drinks with people since I’ve been here, and can count on one finger the number of times I had a bit too much. I was on a date and nervous and drinking too fast without counting and timing. She must have thought I was always like that, because there was never a third date, and I think that was healthy. Most adults drink a lot more than I do, and it’s hard to explain. Of course I’ll have a beer with you, but I’m not going to have four. People get weird about people drinking in front of people who don’t drink, and I could frankly give a shit. Drinking is wonderful….. for other people.
After Dana got her DUI, it opened my eyes in a way that I don’t think they’d been opened before. I learned so much from all the medical professionals that did her classes that I didn’t think I had any more brain cells to lose. I didn’t want to be that person anymore. I wanted to be whole and healthy within myself, and though I don’t think I need AA, I do wish there was a group called “people who don’t drink but still can’t get their shit together.” I think it would take off like gangbusters. My time in Al-Anon was productive, and I want to go back to it if I can find a meeting relatively close to me. It’s amazing how well I was wired and gaslit to think that my childhood was normal and I could handle it, no problem. Daddy can do dis, all day, every day. And yet, I couldn’t.
My teenage years roiled inside me until I hit a breaking point, and the only thing I found that helped was sharing stories with other people who’d stood in my shoes, or at least could tell where they pinched. I am not the person I want to be quite yet, but I am making amazing headway. They say that physical moves do not work, because wherever you go, there you are. You’re still you, and you have the capability to create the same problems in different places. In this case, I think I’ve bucked tradition. I’ve been to hell and back with the Argo situation, because her ego was so enormous that she made this move all about her and in no way thought I was reaching for something better, something different, running back instead of forward to a place I never should have left…. and in that case, we probably wouldn’t have met each other, anyway, and it wouldn’t be a deal for me to be here because how would she know to care?
She couches ego in being “proactive,” and I couch ego in “leave me the fuck alone, because this is not about you.” It’s about building myself up so that I have an ego again. One that sustains me instead of disappearing when I need it the most. One that makes me feel like I have a real shot at accomplishing my dreams, instead of a hermit who feels like she can never leave her house. One that assures me that I am in the right place, at the right time, and just because this friendship went wrong, that doesn’t mean all of them will. Scales said that I was just so easy to be around, and I said, “that’s the first time I’ve heard that one in a while. Thank you so much. Sincerely.”
One of these days, I will meet someone who will sweep me off my feet, and by then, I hope to have the resources to return their affections wholeheartedly. I’m not there yet. But I will be. I just don’t want anything casual. I’d rather hold out for Princess Charming, and in DC that could mean everything from being a politician’s wife to a diplomat’s wife to a Bond girl…. although if I was a Bond girl, I wouldn’t be allowed to know it. So perhaps I need someone in DC who can actually tell me what they do…. not that anyone does…. or if they do, your eyes glaze over. But my identity is not wrapped up in these people, only my willingness to give and be interdependent so that both of our careers matter.
Because my ego allows me to have my own life, my own friends, my own.
And that’s all I’ve ever wanted DC to be.