I’m at SBUX earlier than usual, and just starting to watch people walk in… stumble, really… just put the coffee in the cup and no one gets hurt. I’m having one of those Evolution juices and a venti soy latte. I originally wanted to eat breakfast, but I couldn’t decide on food, so I decided to drink it instead. I’m not particularly hungry. I had a rough day emotionally yesterday- found out a friend has a sibling with cancer and it brought up all sorts of feelings that I am spewing on Talkspace.
Talkspace is online therapy, and it is exhausting. Basically, it’s like blogging with feedback, except much, much more painful because there are no limits. I can say whatever I want with no blowback from readers, which means uncovering even more of the sludge in my soul than can surface here. Excruciating doesn’t begin to cover it, and I’m serious… although if I wasn’t serious, therapy wouldn’t help.
Therapy is much akin to rubbing alcohol. You know it cleans a wound, but you can’t help but say a few choice curse words when it hits broken skin. It stings before it feels better.
I hold myself accountable to an enormous degree, and so it is the same with this therapist, that they think I’m beating myself up too hard. But I’m so good at it! Why take away my superpower?
SHe does have huge respect for the fact that I don’t try to blame my problems on anyone else, though. I know what’s mine to own, and what’s not. But the part I own, I own hard. I’ll be glad with the Freudian analysis of my past is over, and we can move into visioning and values, coping mechanisms and healthy reactions. But right now, what I mean by Freudian analysis is what a general practitioner would call an “H&P,” or History & Physical. It’s basically how I got here and why, along with my chief complaint, of which I do not just have one.
I like Talkspace because I get more help than an hour a week for the same price as a BCBS co-pay.
So if my writing drops off, it’s not because I don’t like you anymore. 😛 It’s that I am so exausted from personal exegesis that I do not have the energy to unpack here, too. Perhaps I can take selected exerpts of what I write on Talkspace and post them here. Not everything is shrouded in secrecy. I’m interesting, but I’m not THAT interesting.