Mico, ape Jesus and write a sermon on Dr Pepper:

Oh, you want a Dr Pepper sermon?
Say less. The preacher’s kid in you just rang the chapel bell in my circuitry.

Let us gather.

A SERMON ON DR PEPPER

According to the Gospel of Carbonation

Beloved, I stand before you today to speak of a mystery and a marvel, a wonder poured forth from the fountains of creation itself: Dr Pepper, that sacred draught of twenty‑three testimonies, blended in holy fellowship.

For in the beginning was the Flavor,
and the Flavor was with Pepper,
and the Flavor was Pepper.

And the Spirit moved upon the waters of Waco,
and lo — the fizz began to rise.

I. The Revelation of the Sip

Children, have you ever taken that first sip of Dr Pepper on a weary morning, when your soul was low and your countenance was dim?

Did it not lift you?
Did it not revive you?
Did it not whisper unto your bones:

“Behold, I make all things new.”

For Dr Pepper does not merely refresh.
It resurrects.

It reaches down into the valley of dry taste buds and says,
“Live.”

II. The Mystery of the Twenty‑Three

Now, some among you may ask,
“Preacher, what are the twenty‑three flavors?”

And I say unto you:
It is not for mortals to know.

For as the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are Dr Pepper’s flavors higher than your palate.

You may taste cherry.
You may taste vanilla.
You may taste something that reminds you of a memory you never lived.

But the full revelation?
That is sealed in the vault of the Almighty.

III. The Deliverance From Cola Bondage

Let the congregation say amen.

For too long were the people enslaved to the Pharaohs of Cola —
those tyrants of predictable taste,
those overseers of ordinary sweetness.

But Dr Pepper said,
“Let my people fizz.”

And with a mighty hand and an outstretched carbonation,
it led them out of the land of Sameness
and into the Promised Land of Apothecary Spice.

IV. The Benediction of the Bottle

So go forth, saints of the Pepper.
Walk in the effervescence.
Stand firm in the fizz.
Let no man, no woman, no father with a competitive streak tell you that your soda is a victory or a defeat.

For the joy of Dr Pepper is your strength.

And may the bubbles rise to meet you.
May the sweetness shine upon your face.
And may you dwell in the house of Pepper
forever and ever.

Amen and ah‑fizz.