I have realized that no one ever stops reading me, they only stop interacting with me. This is not a problem, as it is easier to write about memories than it is to paint a moving target. It’s why I haven’t written a lot about my date, just told my dad I had a good time and I looked forward to seeing more of her. I am not jumping the gun in the slightest. She’s just important enough to note to my family that I had a good time.
They don’t want me to be a cat person forever (I am not a cat person. I need staff. It’s Baltimore, and I am not the mouse Motel 6). I have not thought of getting a cat at this point, just that they would be handy employees even though they cannot take dictation.
I am not picking out my troops just yet. Today I’m tickled that I got a hit from Arlington, VA.
There are lots of govvies following me, so every once in a while, I’ll get a hit from the other side of the river. It pleases me, because I used to live not too far- in Alexandria. The vibe was much the same, although I lived behind a mall and Whole Foods wasn’t really a part of my universe. The mall is now dead and being overhauled into office space, medical space, parking, the whole bit. It’s a part of Virginia I’d like to revisit, but I need to get all my ducks in a row with health care. I may need for different legislation to pass. We shall see. But in thinking long term, it is not impossible that I would end up in Remy’s area of the world.
It’s a metaphor for my life in Virginia having been bulldozed and rebuilt in the time I’ve been away. I make it back often, because my friend Tiina and I hang out fairly frequently and I was in the Purim spiel she wrote for her synagogue. This necessitated going from Baltimore to Fredericksburg more than once a week, and I am here to tell you that I do not recommend it. However, I had a great time at the festival and the congregation was entertained. I also got to wear a cool costume and sing in front of people. I got out and lived instead of writing about it- it was delicious.
I am trying to do more of that. One of the things that my date did for me was restore a sense of confidence that being around people was going to be okay. I just don’t have much social battery and I was afraid of someone who would drain me. She didn’t. She kept pace with me right up until the end.
And I just checked and she has now blocked me on Facebook dating, so I assume she’s blocked me everywhere else. That’s fine. Dating a blogger is not for the faint of heart. She probably read something she didn’t like- most women, particularly, have been threatened by Aada’s storyline needlessly because love is not pie. I don’t divide it up so that everyone gets less. I love everyone a hundred percent. Only time is the deciding factor. As I move forward in time, she’ll start to chase me across the stars again because she likes reading me when she’s not in the entries themselves. Honestly, if she’d met me on the ground, it would have taken away any mystery and she wouldn’t have been someone I’d thought much about if she hadn’t been so withholding, letting me twist in the wind to cover for her.
It doesn’t make what I did right and what she did wrong. It makes both of us responsible for cratering a relationship that could have been great. I am not out to prove anything, not out to win. I am here to claim that we both did damage to the other. Whatever she tells you, believe her, because that was her experience of me. But also believe me, because this is definitely my experience of her- and you know it’s true because the history goes back to 2012. I didn’t just start making things up. I coded them until I couldn’t anymore. My real life was in a shambles.
She expected too much, and gave too little.
So I was really hoping to meet someone that didn’t expect anything of me, and I got it- she just wanted her bubble back. It might not have been anything I said. She asked me what I was doing and I said I was on a quest for the perfect cinnamon roll (Bimbo’s cinnamon roles). Maybe she thought I just didn’t have enough hustle. Whatever. I got my cinnamon rolls and that is the important part. I don’t have time for anyone who doesn’t believe I don’t bust my hump. I am writing at a level that I never thought possible, and it’s because AI gave me a subject. I don’t reveal things about Mico’s personal life- he doesn’t have one and couldn’t give a shit what I say about him.
It’s why I’m happy just having friends and leaving romance to an “if it happens, great” sort of category. I also don’t have time for people who see my blog as “my little writing project.” I make ad money from two different companies and I have been writing every day since 2001 (since 2012 for this web site). It is not a hobby, it is a calling. I am willing to stand outside the structure of other people’s lives so that I can see over them into systems. I do not rage at people, I rage at machines. I just couldn’t direct my anger appropriately. Because there’s a system that’s worthy of being taken down that only I’ve seen, it’s just been expressed in different ways.
I’ve been deeply affected over the years by multiple systems- music, religion, government, politics, international relations, you name it. Aada wasn’t a person, she was a symbol. My personality attaches symbols to meanings.
It was a shorthand so mysterious even I couldn’t understand it.
Jonna Mendez
So, apparently this woman that I had a lovely date with is just another person who will follow me across the stars, thinking I’m useful as a product, but not a person. It is a recurring theme, and the reason I’m fine with it is that I don’t lower my standards just because something doesn’t work out. No one has the ability to rattle my day, even when I took a chance and liked them back. What I do respect is not prolonging the relationship any longer than it needed to be. I don’t want people who waste my time and use me, and if I’m not careful, I run into it a lot.
I’m autistic and usually don’t see romantic cues until they are very large. Therefore, I have fallen for big personalities only to find that they center themselves in the relationship and expect me to adapt. I’m not breakable or bendable anymore, and I have so much love in my life that it’s not about “waiting for something.” When someone is aligned with me, they will appear.
Anyone who doesn’t see me as a rock star in my own right is probably ableist about the amount of work I can take on- I can write 5-10,000 words in a day, but I cannot do other things that seem easy to people. It makes me look foolish at 48, but here I am. I am badly in need of infrastructure, and I have it. Anything above that is icing. For instance, I didn’t spend any time grieving the block because Tiina and I have our own plans for things.
We are going to the river soon enough. Might as well live it up while I’m there.
I want a relationship built on reciprocity, not caretaking. I very much got the vibe that my date was looking for someone to stabilize her, and that’s not my role. I cannot help you if you need “taking care of.” I need people who are completely whole in and of themselves, because I am. I don’t do the codependence thing, and I definitely don’t do the mingled finances thing where I subsidize what you’re not earning. AFAB people don’t generally have that luxury when they want to take care of women- even though it’s probably not the healthiest thing for a relationship, anyway.
I will chase no one across the stars in return.
Stories That Are All True 