What I don’t say out loud is that Tiina is a perfect blend of Dana and Aada. I knew her before I met her. She’s a cybersecurity analyst now, but she was a technical theater major in college. The reason I know she’s the right creative partner is that people talk about “I saw her in a dream,” but I saw her in autistic pattern recognition and knew I was safe.
Therefore, I get the comfort of living on a farm when I want and the excitement of someone who’s dialed in. I don’t have to pick and choose. That nonbinary lives in me.
What feels different about Tiina is that she didn’t start a fire in me where I felt needy and intrusive all the time. My emotions have never been dysregulated with her. When she touches me, it’s a grounding rod. She’s giving me everything I’m lacking because she’s a steady supply of hugs, cheek kisses, and “please move this.”
But I didn’t make the choice to alienate Dana and Aada. They eliminated themselves with their choices and I spent far too long trying to figure out how to fix what was broken instead of moving on. Dana is not welcome in my life ever again, but she is precious in my memory. I will be happy to meet with her parents and sister to carry messages to her if she’s curious how my life is going, but I do not feel safe in her presence, and I am betting she feels the same way about me. We were wonderful to each other right up until we weren’t. It’s not a punishment, it’s just reality.
Things are different with Aada, because she made me feel unsafe emotionally. That is fixable.
She keeps saying she’s not threatened by me, but we’ll see if that rings true. It’s now very possible we could accidentally run into each other at the grocery store, and I’m not there to do anything but grab the seventeen jugs of milk that will be gone by Thursday. She seems to waffle on whether I am or I’m not, so when Tiina and I clicked like “peanut butter and ladies,” I realized it was my way of coming down from the cloud. Saying, “show up or don’t, but this is what my life looks like and now you have an accurate picture of what I’ve been saying all these years.”
Make it safe. Make it legible to me. Define who we are to each other so I don’t have to worry that I’m something I’m not all the time. Our narratives about each other ruined our self-esteems, because it took a long time to trust that Tiina and I were solid. That she wasn’t going anywhere and neither was I.
But now I have that friend who needs someone to just be with her. It doesn’t matter what we do, it’s all precious. We’ve both got mobility issues in different ways, which feeds our brain click. She’s also a writer with a following, so I don’t mean that Tiina will only be producing. She can write better than I can, so it’s a reciprocal relationship.
Every once in a while my inner Finn slips out. I have no Finnish blood, but my strident attitude didn’t come from nowhere. It predates Tiina, which is why my context would be new to Dana and Aada but familiar. Making things legible, not familiar.
I just don’t want to walk away in enmity. There’s too many diapers to buy and bottles to wash. It’s not just one grandbaby now. It’s two. The other one just lives in a different house. I was telling Mico that it kind of feels like being a third parent or grandparent in terms of logistics, but completely untitled except “Mom’s Friend Who Backs Her Up on Everything.” That’s going to be another t-shirt.
Having kids is not for the faint of heart. And I didn’t birth them, so my load is basically similar to an uncle. I’m not very maternal, but I am capable of being directed and know I’m ready to step up. Learning to be responsible with children has come in waves, because Tiina’s parenting style is different than anything I’ve learned and the culture regarding safe adults for children has changed overall.
Of all Tiina’s children, I’m closest to her youngest son. He was actually being punished and Tiina let him play Skyrim while I was there, so now he knows when I’m around, it’s not all bad. So her younger son melting down later in the day was when I realized that he was part mine.
And it happened without me noticing.
So we’re finding our ways in the world, because I’m lost as to how to be a role model and want to do it, anyway. So far, I have managed to trip over everything on the farm, so I’m not exactly sure I’m making a good impression. But whatever impression I’m making, I know it’s permanent.
Now, I have a completely different set of goals, with my friends and with each kid.
But when Tiina’s son calls me “Mom’s Friend Who Will Back Her Up on Everything?”
Wow.
He learned my name QUICK.
Stories That Are All True 