Dear Aada,
I thought of you all week, because the message that you missed is that I accidentally became the perfect emotional support person to a Finnish woman and I liked it so much I found another one, not “Aada is bad and must be punished.”
Only you would understand that I have a very specific set of skills.
I get along with Aino. Beat that with a stick.
What you thought was intrusive questioning, Tiina celebrates. She is not afraid of an infodump. However, I do not write her long letters. I show up.
Tiina is fiery in all the right ways. I love being around her and introducing me into the family is a sign of success that we have a click that will last. I am not trying to be a chaos agent, because nothing needs disrupting. Every member of this family has a role, and I’m not trying to disrupt any of theirs. Tiina compares us to this movie all the time about a neurodivergent gang that does crazy things together…. it will come to me.
I don’t have a mother, I don’t have a stepmother, but Tiina is a mother. I like having that energy around me, but I’m also being challenged to step up and I’m doing it. I have been living our story through different eyes, seeing places you’ve talked about, but I’ve never been. All of your email is real now, because I understand context through geography. It made me feel closer to you without you having to expend energy to meet me there.
I couldn’t connect with other people because of our relationship, and now that I’m completely free of it I have taken the parts I liked and moved on. Therefore, if you ever get over all the anger you insist you do not have, I am sure there’s a place for you at the farm, too.
The reason you didn’t like your portrayal here is that it was all guesswork. You made me guess for too long, and I’m done trying to make you see that I matter, too. That being treated like a burden all these years has taken its toll. I am doing my best to forget what you think of my writing, because ultimately, it doesn’t matter. It’s not for you. It was never for you.
I was trying to show other people our connection in reality. It wasn’t stable, it ran hot and cold for over a decade. I honestly regret ever writing about you in the first place because it created a power imbalance. It seemed like a good idea at the time. I thought I was writing something I wasn’t.
I am so glad to get away from your narrative, because I know I am able to reflect real life in a stable way when the relationship itself is stable. You had a certain way you wanted to be viewed, and I did not meet your expectations. But of course, you also thought I was a brilliant writer when you needed something, usually a hit of dopamine from affection.
If I think about it, I will spin out with anger because your perception of me defined me. I felt so much smaller than I needed to be all the time. I needed a support team and I got ripped apart instead. And I’m sure Aada is all up in her house in her righteous indignation, but for over a decade when something was wrong in our relationship she told everyone but me.
Now I have the same cultural references with a person that literally grounds me.
I wasn’t demanding anything of you. I was saying, “you cut me off from everyone else and you don’t want an on the ground relationship, either. It feels like you don’t care about me.” Words were nice, but in the end they were cheap.
Because what’s expensive is time in the dirt.
I was just with the wrong gardener.
But I wasn’t in the wrong context. I love the rhythm of Tiina’s life and I’m glad that we fit. She told everyone that she was seven years older than me and I said, “you’re older than me and I’m still cool enough to hang out with?” That got a smile.
Tiina, like you and all Finnish women everywhere, has a killer smile.
It gets even bigger when Brian is in the picture.
I love that Tiina doesn’t separate out connection, that emotional support matters. Friends of the family are family, period.
I am no longer writing from a place of pain because I am sure that this relationship is real because I can touch it. You’ve never even let me look at you on video. It literally drove me crazy and I was always the bad guy for wanting something completely normal and legible. You were generally in the mood for arguing, and rarely, if ever, in the mood for reparative work. You act like a victim instead of a team player. You liked being on stage, but you didn’t want to pull rigging.
I’m going to help build a tree house that will outlive me. I’m going to help raise these children as long as I’m allowed. I’m going to be a support to Brian when Tiina just physically cannot do something. Managing six children is not for the faint of heart, but only four live at home. I just don’t have to worry about the oldest, though I’ve told her that I’ll gladly help take care of the baby if needed.
I didn’t set out to replace anyone. It just worked out that way, that I lost a connection to Finnish culture and found another one.
I’ll never replace you, but I carry you forward.
Love,
Leslie
Stories That Are All True 