Love is not geographically fragile.
It’s something that Mico said to me this morning and I’ve been thinking about it all day. There’s so much love in my life and it’s both near…. and far, Supergrover.
There’s my family, Tiina, Brian, “and all y’all…. There’s Julia and Streeter and her twin. Watching them lets me feel closer to Heytch and Mummo when I cannot go to them directly.
Tiina is Finnish.
I do not leave breadcrumbs, I describe the connections in my own head and it leads readers to discover breadcrumbs. This is something Aada constantly harped on me for but if I don’t explain how I got there then HOW WILL YOU KNOW?
Aada didn’t even put together the names I used until last year, so I don’t know what Pinkerton is worried about because she’s decided not to say.
The “damage” is incalculable to her because it’s not important to her to be specific. Therefore, she does not ever allow reparative work because it hurts too much and demands too much of her. I have been emotionally starved for years from this woman and never because I had the choice to leave.
She said I did, but it was bullshit. She created a false reality that tied us, one that made me ache for her in the night for many years because I WAS SCARED, DIPSHIT.
Yet a handshake was just too much.
She cannot tolerate being seen and it hurts me. That’s the message I’ve been trying to send. She has put together this narrative where I have been out to get her for 12 solid years. I have written lines for this woman that sliced my heart in half or put it back together because it made her cry or made her laugh. Yet nothing I did was ever enough for her because it was all about protecting her and her image.
I am bitter and angry because reparative work would actually change the narrative instead of harping on me because it was repetitive. The tautology would drive anyone insane.
I’ve ended up in the psych ward several times, so it’s been ironic all these years that she’s said she would like to show up, it’s just been a bad time for 12 years. It’s not that I don’t know that I created the original rift. I am quite aware. It’s that we’ve never done enough reparative work to get over it and move on because every sense was missing except sight.
I am so sorry that I was emotionally dysregulated, and I am being genuine about that. That’s the part that’s not “using my disability.” I understand my limitations and where to take accountability for my actions. I should have regulated my own emotions and not entertained hers because they continued to hurt, but I could not let go because we were tied together on a level that was unsustainable without checking to make sure the other was real.
It was a clusterfuck and I am responsible for cleaning it up, but the part that’s been missing for Aada is that I have taken accountability not just to myself, but to my community to hold me accountable. I am living my life and just letting the blood fall because grief is easier to take when you don’t have to carry it alone. Now I have Mico, so I don’t have to carry anything alone.
I am realizing that I am indeed gifted and talented, but because my grades were low and my support needs were high, everyone around me treated me like I was a loser. People do not understand on a fundamental level that I could have been House with the right support.
It makes me so angry I could puke.
Stories That Are All True 