Social media has changed the game. It has convinced us that we need to live these perfect lives full of trips and adventure…. and that is true to some extent. Knowledge comes with travel and I take nothing away from it. But at the same time, nothing has made me happier than reorienting my expectations so that a day is insanely good if I’ve had:
- a cup of coffee, dark roast with whole milk
- affection from my family- hugs, cheek kisses, and an arm around my shoulder are all underrated pleasure…. as is hearing “LESLIE!!!!!” with unadulterated glee (while also reassuring Tiina that she is still unabashedly my favorite)
- time to sit with the animals, whether it’s the Frenchie on the couch or looking out over the acreage and seeing the goats and pigs
Life is so good when the pleasure it takes to make you fulfilled is tiny. When big things happen, you just don’t know what to do with it, there’s so much joy. I delight in watching 16yo and 10yo grow, knowing that I’m stable in their lives and am starting to think about the kinds of things I want them to learn from me. This concept is one…. that happiness isn’t dependent on everything being completely brilliant all the time. That you take small wins where you can get them.
My win recently has been being the grandparent I wanted to be. I picked out a great high chair and some cute clothes for our boy. We’re in the home stretch, and my best girl says to “be happy. Be ready.” Right now that means trying not to panic because I’ll be driving in a storm if Ayalla goes into labor today, but my Fusion is more than capable. I rely on the car rather than trusting myself. Adaptive Cruise Control is a miracle.
Today is all about packing my suitcase so that I can stay awhile if needed. Tiina and Brian have it handled, but I am focusing on 16yo and 10yo. My role is to be there for them while mom and dad are busy. I have a feeling it is very much how the baby will relate to Thomas, Ayalla and Derek’s best friend. I am just the third mic in the radio show that is Tiina and Brian’s lives, and it fits us.
Tiina is coming to terms with the ways that her life is different now, and she knows I am here for her. That is what’s most important to me about this new phase of life- that we belong to each other until death, whatever that means for either of us. Someone has to have that friend, someone has to be that friend. I will find my own Brian-shaped partner, but that is secondary to what I have with Tiina right now. I need to have my head on straight before I start dating, and I feel safer in dating with two people behind me saying, “okay, we like this one.”
I am not mistaking categories and trying to fit Tiina into a role she doesn’t. My expectations are that our relationship will grow and flourish independently of anything else. I have said consistently that I need an anchor, and there is no better anchor than a woman who owns a farm. I am learning from her what straight women have known for years and I am just finding out- how they are girlfriends to each other and why it’s called that.
Because frankly, at first, I didn’t get it.
I mean, I do- I called Aada my “wine and yoga pants girlfriend” and Dana my “scratch your nails down my back” girlfriend. But there was never a clear delineation of which girlfriend was for what unless the situation was VERY clear. Emotions pop up everywhere and jealousies ensued.
The difference is that Tiina has never sparked me that way. Her husband made a joke that inferred it and it sat on my psyche like a rock for months until I finally just asked Tiina about it and she busted out laughing. There is no torrid love affair between us and there never will be. Now I can relax into her cheek kisses without sweating. 😉
And I am all about the affection. When Tiina hugs me, it is literally grounding. The energy between us is incredible, and I hope you all have that friendship. I feel safe, loved, and wanted. Tiina makes my heart flip constantly…..
I just want to keep Leslie forever.
Because she knows the way to my heart is not huge displays, it is safety and continuity. The funniest continuity joke is that Tiina poked fun at Lisa relentlessly for asking me to six concerts in a row when I said I didn’t like them and then wanted to take me to a concert for my birthday. That is because she took the time to get to know me before she made the plans- she knows I like being outside at Wolf Trap with the whole family on a blanket. That the problem was sensory overload in lots of clubs, not the idea of live music itself.
That is the difference when your girlfriends really know you. She’s taking me to see Ray LaMontagne, and it’s going to be a blast because Brian and the kids will be with us. We can decide whether it’s a Diet Dr Pepper or wine in the sunshine kind of day when we get there.
The last time I went to Wolf Trap was in 2001 with my first wife- we went to see The Indigo Girls. I think the tour was called “Girls with Guitars,” because it was absolutely stripped down. No electric at all and it was righteous. I would have liked to have had Tiina by my side then. She would have loved Kathleen, too, my first wife. That’s because Kathleen was a Global Information Systems person at ExxonMobil and Tiina does government computer stuff. It’s a shame we didn’t meet back in the day, because back then I was actually living in Virginia, not too far from her.
Well, my office was near her, anyway. Kathleen and I lived in Alexandria because we figured that contraflow traffic would come in handy in the mornings. It certainly did. Back in the day, our offices were at 495 and Gallows Rd, so the life hack was to take Little River Turnpike out to save our sanity.
I had a great life in Virginia with Kathleen, but it was because I didn’t have a Tiina that I didn’t stay in Alexandria when Kathleen and I broke up. Do you see how this works? Tiina is the glue that’s helping me stay put. I would like to think that I have the same influence on her… that I am helping her be more comfortable in her same surroundings, different circumstances.
Being happy with really small things is loving the way that Tiina loves me. She doesn’t scream “I love you” from the skies…. it looks like, “have you taken your meds?” “Have you eaten?” “Pack your suitcase so you’re already ready.” All of that is “I love you” in a not so great disguise.
Stories That Are All True 