Y’all, I only know one person who lives in Reston, Virginia. Seeing my hits explode there made me happy until I realized that it was an AT&T hub and probably me. But there’s a picture in my mind’s eye of a man being photographed by his wife on a balcony that looks out over the square… and he’s wearing a black t-shirt that says, ” Argo @#$% Yourself.” So, maybe it was me, and maybe someone Googled herself. 😉
The thought made me sit up a little straighter, so I decided to go float it out at the Hammerman area of Gunpowder Falls State Park. The featured image is the only photo I took there, because I kept my phone in my bag the whole time. I brought my pool noodle and put a towel down by the riverbank. It was glorious being able to stretch out and float, even if the water isn’t that deep (limited for lifeguard visibility). There are other places I can swim where I can have diving boards and all that, but this was perfect- lots of families all around so that the beach was crowded. No one noticed me and I could just take it all in.
I also got into the water as quickly as possible, literally running from my stuff into the ripples of current as if they were there to save me from something- I do not knwo what, I just know that I felt the calm of being submerged and gave myself over to it. Everything with Aada will work out the way it’s supposed to work out, and if that means our paths will never cross again, then that is the right answer. I cannot know that she’s taking me in, I can only guess based on location. If I am right, then it’s on like Donkey Kong. If I’m not, the love I feel for her feeds everything else. I think that is because after 12 years, I do not know what my brain looks like without her. I am trying to find it, even successfully, but I think a lot about What Was Missing:
“Who Am I to You?” is such an important question, because what I know is that I am part of her “wild and crazy brain,” and she is part of mine. I do not know if she is any more capable of losing the thread than I am, because even though my feelings are different that does not mean they are less intense or less important. Every time I’ve underestimated Aada’s feelings I have been wrong.
But the reason I’m wrong is that there’s no data to support the emotion she gives me when she’s feeling generous. I am used to blowback and being impressive only when I call her on something, not as a general rule. I don’t want to go back to that, and she has her own laundry list of “I’ll never” regarding me…. and all of that is okay. I got the feeling that Aada was trying to compete with me, and I was never trying to compete with her- but that’s what she heard.
She thought I was out to get her and made it true by lacking accountability for her actions. When I needed accountability, she felt threatened. I did not threaten her. I told the story of what really happened, feeling like my life was a total lie for the past year and reworking how I think with empathy. I’m not trying to blow past Aada’s feelings and be self-centered here. It’s that her feelings are not my story to tell and she will rip me a new asshole every time I try to predict.
I should have been swimming all this time to regulate, because I can lie there surrounded by other swimmers, clutching my pool noodle and paddling myself around. It changes my brain after an hour, when I go back to thinking about all of this. It’s repetitive because my mind is repetitive. I don’t even know if it’s an intrusive thought or not because it’s positive- Aada said, “for now, all I want is peace.” How do I give that to her while also leaving room for myself? It is a conundrum, because I respect her need for space. I also respect myself enough to say that it always hurts to want to spend time with someone that cannot spend time with you….. because by now I am not convinced that “won’t” is the right word.
The easiest story in the world is just to tell people that I’m a mental patient that has nothing to do with her, and given that she’s told me lies for many years, I would not doubt if that is her reflex now. She can use whatever story she wants to explain me and I literally do not give a shit. Because I don’t need her to validate our relationship, I have 12 years of memories that say “if my story is wrong, it’s because this is the story she told me….. not the one that was actually there.”
Yes, I have deleted most proof, but who needs proof? I don’t have anything to prove anymore, because I have just decided to accept that unless Aada shows up, I am just going to have psychotic features.
She’s my favorite of them all. This is because I have very real pictures of her on my phone from different years we’ve known each other, so the idea to me that she is not real is utterly ridiculous. It’s my word against theirs, so psychotic features it is.
And that’s the whole reason I think she won’t show up. She doesn’t know what to say, and doesn’t want to try. Because she has an excellent excuse to say that everything that went down is all my fault, and I’m going to let her.
Because I don’t need proof.
Stories That Are All True 