Do you believe in karma?
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I do not believe in karma because that suggests that force meets force no matter what we do as people. I take the historical Jesus’s version of reality- what you do matters. Karma says “you get what you deserve.” Jesus says, “you get grace- and that changes everything.” Anne Lamott provides the rug that really ties the room together…. “grace never leaves you where you were found.”
And of course, Sedaris over there with “Jesus Shaves.” Paraphrasing him, “we wouldn’t know how to do this any better if we did have the proper words for it.”
Karma is universal, and faith in Jesus is relational. How you treat people does come back to bite you, but it’s because you were not living your life in relation to others in some way. It is not simply a force that exists, but a force you are responsible for creating. You get to decide whether you are building something or tearing it down. And if you are building something, how you do it matters.
I have a new therapist. She’s younger than I am, Black, and cis. So we’re both coming at therapy with completely different outlooks on life that sing “inside rhyme.” As a queer/trans umbrella person, we are one in the struggle. That’s relational- I cannot walk a mile in a Black person’s shoes, but I can tell where they pinch. Empathy for each other’s situations goes a long way- not that a therapist is supposed to share their lives with you but ignoring that I’m white and she’s Black is also problematic.Boundaries matter, and so does respect.
But the point is that there is no such thing as competitive suffering. There are plenty of courts in the gymnasium of trauma. Black people have suffered more than I as a white person ever will, but that does not mean that I have never suffered at all.What I can do is use that empathy to fuel antiracism, because if you are a part of the struggle it is all for one and one for all. A Black person led the Civil Rights movement. A queer person ensured it would work.
Martin and Bayard were that era’s Shake……….. and Bake.
My readers will know (but my therapist might not) that I have studied The Struggle extensively because queer and feminist movements in the Bay Area were co-led by people like Sally Gearhart, whom I met when I lived in Portland. Now, there is no proof that Sally Gearhart knew Bayard Rustin, but everyone involved in the movement was under his marching orders. I wasn’t alive back then, so I never got to meet Bayard. I can only channel his energy back into the current movement as I learn more about him.
I am reminded of this every Thursday, when I have to take a left on Bayard St.
But here is the truth I live with. Because I am autistic and ADHD, I do not have Bayard’s skill set. I have Martin’s. I am the head in the clouds thinker, and Bayard is the one that will have a list organized of 30 places who’ll actually listen to my ideas once they get there.
I see incredible parallels between Martin and me because I do not think of him (or Jesus, for that matter) as an icon. Neither of us made our wives proud, that’s for damn sure. I mean, of course we did, but certainly not every day. Martin and I are both driven by the cause, hoping it does not negate the bad we’ve put out into the world.
Therefore, I have to believe that Martin Luther King, Jr. heard the same message I did…. and gave himself grace. It takes a lot out of you to put yourself out there, and though I haven’t done it to the level he did (and probably never will), I do understand pastor energy and what might be beyond the collar.
Giving him grace is knowing that he’s worthy of the glory of God without judging him for his humanity….. the human impulse to dig up dirt is relentless. Or not even to dig up dirt- to think that your message about that person is more important than the person’s message itself.
I have carved out a space for myself online that makes people think I’m a dictator when I am living my life in reflection. I am not dictating the future, I am commenting on what has already happened. That affects my future greatly, because people read my writing and don’t want to interact. They do, however, want to fangirl me for the rest of my life.
:::stares in Northern Virginia:::
The relational aspect is saying to my new Black therapist that my antiracism isn’t performative, and I am not writing about Black issues more now because she’s my therapist. My inspirations are James Cone, Howard Thurman, William Barber, Yvette Flunder, and the canon of Black theologians that shattered me with one idea best expressed by Cone:
The Cross and the Lynching Tree
Matthew Shepard’s murder quickly became “The Cross and the Split Rail” for me. Inspiration from liberation theology has beget queer theology, and the biggest sin we could commit is appropriating those ideas. Because white church gonna white church.
Not every white person, but always a white person.
Not every Christian, but always a Christian.
Being willing to say things like this ups the ante in terms of blowback. People saying I’m insane or calling me a retard is par for the course these days, because Trump’s AmeriKKKa is a school of hard knocks. People are not making fun of my official diagnoses. I’m officially crazy on paper and that doesn’t bother me because I take care of myself and the symptoms get better. What bothers me is thinking that I am crazy because the idea that there are more than two genders is a delusion. No, it’s not. You just haven’t passed third grade science in 30 years.
The Struggle is always discrimination against people for things that they cannot change, and that is true of my:
- gender
- sexual orientation
- disability status
- mental health status
- neurodivergence
The only part of the struggle that doesn’t touch me is skin color, and I am respectful of the fact that it’s a trauma I will never even conceive. My only point is to connect where we can. It’s a shitshow for anyone who isn’t white, cis, and heteronormative. There is a solid reason I live in a Black neighborhood where most of the white people are Jewish. It is far easier to live where white entitlement doesn’t touch you.
If you cannot survive the machine, you join the rebellion.
I want “winter is coming” to be replaced by something that would actually rattle people. If Jesus came back today, assuming that his metaphysical accomplishments are real, would he be proud of you?”
I know who I think he’d be proud of, and it’s not people like Joel Osteen.
It’s Macklemore.
It’s Ms. Rachel.
It’s anyone who wanted to try to save people from the same political machine that crushed him.
