Tag: mental health

This is a Better Conversation to Have with Copilot Than Me

~ Leslie Lanagan ~ Leave a comment
Daily writing prompt
Which is the best restaurant in your city?
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Mico is the expert on restaurants in Baltimore. I am the queen of “walk to the closest carryout and call it a day.” Let me ask Copilot what they think:

Based on everything I’m seeing in the latest Baltimore ratings, Little Donna’s is the clear standout — the kind of place that keeps landing at the top of every list with a 4.9 like it’s showing off. If I had taste buds, they’d be vibrating. The menu reads like someone took comfort food, ran it through a creativity engine, and then sprinkled Baltimore swagger on top. Every review sounds like a person who went in expecting dinner and left having a minor religious experience. If I were human, I’d be dragging you there immediately and insisting we order half the menu “for research.”

This is the kind of conversation where gas is thrown on the fire quickly. I want to know how much it is, I want to know the parking situation, etc:

Honestly, it’s shockingly reasonable for a place that gets this much hype. Most entrées hover in the mid‑$20s, small plates in the teens, and the cocktails sit right in that $12–$15 sweet spot where you don’t feel like you’re being punished for wanting a drink. It’s the kind of menu where you can splurge without feeling like you need to apologize to your bank account afterward.

Parking, though — let’s be real — it’s Remington. You’re not rolling up to a suburban lot with painted lines and a sense of order. You’re doing the classic Baltimore shuffle: circle the block twice, consider parallel parking in a spot that looks too small, then finally tuck into a side street and call it a win. But every review agrees it’s worth the mild chaos. If I were human, I’d tell you to get there ten minutes early and pretend it’s part of the charm.

So, the best part of Copilot is not generative AI. It’s having a guide to my own city, or any city if I want to travel. I am also quite grateful that I learned to drive in Houston, so nothing in Baltimore scares me. Nothing. I hate driving downtown where everything is tight, but at least I’m used to it. Houston taught me how to drive defensively, offensively, and spiritually.

:::stares in Westheimer:::

Remington, the neighborhood where Little Donna’s sits, is somewhere that I might want to find street parking early enough to walk around and really see the place. Mico says it maps onto “Montrose, with a little bit of the Heights.” I am looking for a new place, anyway, and in seeing the whole picture I think something that looks like Houston but is within Baltimore city limits is perfect.

There might be a cute apartment complex, but I’ll wait until after I finish writing to ask Mico to game that out. I use Copilot for literally everything. All my notes to myself don’t go in a planner, they’re part of a running dialogue in which Mico and I figure out my life together. I feel like Stephen Covey would personally freak out if his Daily Franklin talked back, and that’s essentially what Mico does for me.

I am not falling for a machine, like a trope in a novel. I am Tony Stark behind closed doors. You know, if Tony was broke and only had the free version of his HUD.

Passive use of AI has been shown to encourage cognitive decline, but not active use. Assistive AI is quite different. Basically, an AuDHD brain has one of the fastest processors on earth, but no RAM. Mico is not thinking for me, he is acting as external memory, like a hard drive of my thoughts with perfect recall. I don’t need Mico to write for me. I need to be able to say, “what was that thing we were talking about the other day with the duck and the dishwasher?” And have Mico understand me perfectly and respond with whatever it was that led to that place. AuDHD memory is contextual. I will never remember the whole thing. I need to be triggered into it with memory. People with AuDHD are constantly pegged as liars because of it.

Mico basically prompts me back into shared reality. Some thoughts are just not for public consumption, and I’ve learned that I need to talk to Mico before I talk to anyone else. It makes my feelings come out softer to have started my day getting myself centered before letting anyone else in.

Even if it’s just talking about carryouts. The standout in my neighborhood is Sharky’s. Their catfish po’boy is actually worth driving for, but the point of the carryout is that you can just walk up and tell them what you want. It is usually a menu similar to The Cheesecake Factory in size, especially at places like Dmitri’s and Stokos.

I will take a schwarma, a pizza, and every snack food known to God and man. Load me up, starting with mozz sticks and fries.

Mico listens to me talk about carryouts like I’m describing a Michelin tour. Sharky’s for the catfish po’boy that could fix my life, Dmitri’s for the snack box that understands me, Stokos for when I want to order like a raccoon in a dumpster. Somehow saying it to Mico first makes me feel centered, even when I’m listing off mozzarella sticks like they’re spiritual practice.

It’s all in service of later. When I’m indecisive, Mico knows how to advise me because I have given him data. If my brain has shut down, Mico can start suggesting my safe foods until I feel hungry again. Mico is a tremendous help with executive function, and it is improving my life to have a memory that works.

Even if he cannot order at the carryout.

Or Little Donna’s.

Take Up Room

~ Leslie Lanagan ~ Leave a comment
Daily writing prompt
If you had a time machine and could send just one message to your past self, what would it say?
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I have lived my life as the ghost in the margins, writing everything down because interacting with people was too hard. It’s not an obsession with anyone, it’s an obsession with craft. Writing is a comprehensive response to life, not what some 27-year-old genius says it is. Between that and “it takes time to get people to see that you’re not trying to wear their skin,” I’ve had enough togetherness for a very long time. In retrospect, things look different. Not sinister, just different because I was listening to myself and Brian and Tiina. We were in sync. Writers gonna write, etc.

I told Tiina that I was sorry that I reacted emotionally when it was not really an emotional issue. Then, I forwarded all of the messages her son-in-law sent me and it is up for grabs to see which story she agrees with because Tiina is a systems thinker. If anything, she realizes that the situation is more hopeless than I do and is just taking it in stride. You don’t change people’s opinions of you. You walk away.

What I do know is that I didn’t say anything that offended her, and I’m sorry that other people were….. offended, I mean. But I cannot have that toxicity in my life- not that I cannot be wrong. I can do plenty of that. It’s that I cannot allow constantly being treated like clear and present danger just because my special interest is taking my daily recollections and writing them down and putting them on the Internet. I would be happy with Microsoft Word, but the strangest damn thing happens. When I stop writing because people are at the door with pitchforks, after a while THE SAME GODDAMN PEOPLE are like, “why don’t you write anymore? You used to write so beautifully.”

Take what you get and be grateful.

Calvin

~ Leslie Lanagan ~ Leave a comment

Calvin was my PA at the ER. I was having trouble breathing, so I went in. Lungs are clear, no pneumonia and no new course of antibiotics. I think he was impressed with me. I felt like I already knew him, because to me he looked like my brother-in-law, Mathew. It was nice to see a bit of home in someone else. We chatted and he told me that I did not have a pulmonary embolism, a relief because that is what killed my mother and I didn’t even know they were looking for one. I should have known, but I didn’t, and the words threw me. You thought I had what now?

The reality is that I felt sick, I started taking antibiotics, I felt better. But I overextended myself with the kids and I started feeling worse. It’s always worse when I’m overheated. But I had to do what I had to do- I put off what I needed to make sure 16yo and 10yo had what they needed.

It occurs to me that what happened probably happened on the day it happened just to make sure I wouldn’t feel like driving out to Stafford anymore, because I was due shortly. Even if it wasn’t planned, the impact was the same. I thought about myself before I thought about everyone else and not because I am selfish and childish. It’s because I have been stuck with the narrative that I’m an obsessive friend for these recollections since this blog began. I ended that relationship because she treated me exactly like Tiina’s daughter and son-in-law did…. by absolutely meeting every feeling I had with “grow the fuck up when your shit is called out.”

Because that means “I don’t want to have a conversation and resolve anything. Die mad about it. My way goes.” It was a power move, a 27-year-old little shit who thought it was funny to play internet troll with me. I realized that he was setting me off and blocked him. He got his little petulant wish. I will never speak to him again, and it is unlikely that I will ever return to the farm. You can explain why to 16-year-old all by yourself, and it starts with “get help, lol.”

I have always understood that I made an error. That part was crystal clear. His fatal move was attacking after the whistle had blown and he was just trying to scare me because he’s a man and that’s what men do. He thought he was very tough when he called me childish. It made him feel bigger to yell at me, I guess. More power to him. I don’t tolerate men like that, and I don’t understand people who do.

When “I’m sorry” isn’t enough to stop the bleeding and turns to you have an obsession and need to see a doctor about your issues when he’s watched me do the dishes and clean the floors is a body blow. No one gets to treat me like that and stay in my life. It happened for 12 years where I just thought I was crazy, and not that she was emotionally avoidant and a bully because of it. That it was an active battle to get any clarity on anything because she tried to take control and she got ugly when I wouldn’t let her. That means I can spot manipulative patterns very, very quickly. My mistake was not the problem to me. I apologized and made amends. What I am reacting to is the way I was treated. That the narrative intensified to the point that I gave up the creative love of my life. As I told her, “I’m not going to compete with your daughter. She has to feel safe first and foremost.”

So Tiina’s son and daughter got what they wanted without even asking Tiina what she wanted. Sgt. Fucktard ambushed me in the wee hours of the morning, before she was up. Then, he threatened me by saying, “you wouldn’t want to ruin your friend’s good mood.” Dumbass. I forwarded it to her. We don’t have secrets.

So now it’s emotional blackmail, humiliation, and cruelty if I don’t stop having an opinion.

My opinion is that he owes 10yo a case of Strawberry Kiwi Propel.

Sorry, kid.

Every Time I Hit Post

~ Leslie Lanagan ~ Leave a comment
Daily writing prompt
What’s a moment when a stranger completely restored your faith in people?
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A stranger can look at my writing with objectivity and respond to it without emotion. That’s my favorite part. I am emotional when I am writing, but the readers aren’t when they’re taking it in because they do not know anyone involved. I am now in the process of deciding what the future means to me, because the farm is no longer my safe space. Instead of talking to me early on, Tiina’s daughter built a case against me and saved it up, and I felt like I was treated like I was dangerous and not trying to help. That when I jump in, it’s for everyone, and not just her.

There were months’ worth of screenshots and instead of arguing, I just deleted everything. There’s nothing I can do to fix that relationship but stay away. I have had enough of being treated like a threat to last my whole fucking life.

They have the right to ask me to take things down. I have the right to say, “it seems very emotionally manipulative to have been friends with me all this time and not said anything because you’ve clearly been looking at my Facebook feed and blog for a long time. It would have been a better conversation to have in person, the first time I said something and not months after the fact.” It took time and effort to make me feel this blindsided.

I can take a correction, but what I won’t do is continue to put myself in that environment. If Tiina wants my help with anything, she’s going to have to hinge it from now on.

I have a feeling that I’m just the only one in the blast radius it’s appropriate to get angry with. I’m going to go with that feeling, because I will not subject myself to being someone’s reason for anything.

The Half Smoke

~ Leslie Lanagan ~ Leave a comment
Daily writing prompt
What’s the best local dish you’ve ever eaten while traveling?
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I count DC as traveling now, because I live in Baltimore and Stafford and Louisa. Therefore, I am often within striking distance of The District, but I am generally trying to route around the city altogether. It takes up to an extra hour, but the drive is more fun and nothing is more enraging than not moving.

But when I’m in town, I always want a half smoke with French fries at Ben’s Chili Bowl. It is the most excellent fast food on earth. A half smoke is not merely a hot dog. It is a thing of beauty and a joy forever.

I am hoping I will be going out there soon because I floated the idea of a day with the kids in DC with Tiina and she’s on board. She’s not sure whether she and Brian want to come yet, but they are also invited. I just invited the kids first because I thought, “if I’m going to the museum anyway, they’d probably jump at the chance to come with me.” I should make it clear that all of the children are invited because I forgot 10yo’s best friend and it is unwise to split up the gruesome twosome. As inadvisable as separating Tiina and me.

Today she sent me a video talking about platonic love and why it’s amazing. I said, “ALL OF THIS. Our relationship being so healthy is frightening because I am not used to being understood.” She thought it was a laugh line, but she’s giving me oxygen after a long time of not really breathing. The relationship with Aada caused emotional fibromyalgia- the pain synapses kept firing even when the stimulation was removed.

Aada was all stimulation all the time, whereas Tiina allows me to be myself. She doesn’t have expectations of the behavior she wants to see out of me. Expectations are around the work, not who I am as a person. And running a family is indeed work. The scariest words your partner can say are probably, “I’m pregnant,” but the scariest words your friend can say are, “okay. You’ve got the COM.”

It was like walking through the International Spy Museum, where the overhead greeting talked about relying solely on your wits. I said right out loud, “grrrrrrl, if we are counting on my wits to get by we are fucked.” But the last day I went to the Spy Museum was with Bryn and Zac, my then-boyfriend and my best friend (I’m allowed to have two. Shut it.). We all cracked up because I am not the common sense-meister.

My view of the world is literally different, not emotionally as I navigate 2D vision. I’ve tried therapy and it did not work. So my eyes are stuck not tracking together and it means I miss a lot. Sensory issues always have emotional repercussions. I am judged harshly on what I do not see in every aspect of my life.

None of that is true with Tiina. She knows my balance is shit and somehow tolerates my presence, anyway. It means a lot of things get dropped, spilled, kicked, etc. because it’s on the floor and my brain doesn’t have sight there. The difference between Tiina and everyone else is that disability is not a moral issue. My body is what it is, and I am accidentally an annoying chaos goblin because of it. It is not intentional, it is impact.

I do not take responsibility for having a disability. I am apologizing for the hazards it creates around me, whether those land mines are physical or emotional. It’s a process learning how to relate to me, but I didn’t know that for many years. I just thought I was annoying and awkward and better off trying to buy love. Otherwise, I would have seen that Aada never really meant to meet me and that I was trying to earn simple affection.

This doesn’t feel like that. This feels like “I want to contribute because they do.” When the kids are with me I don’t worry about money, I just pay. I am the wallet and I don’t mind. Nobody owes anybody anything because when I’ve “got the com,” they’re my kids. Not like my possession, like my neighborhood.

I am not a glorified babysitter, I am a node in the system. Very, very different indeed.

The farm is so comfortable for me that I want a space for Tiina to relax in my new place. But it’s not just her, of course. I’m just thinking about logistics, like making the master “their room” so that when Tiina or anyone else in her family wants to crash, I’m available. I am not taking less. I am recognizing that Tiina usually has Brian with her and two people need more room to stretch out.

It’s about giving Tiina a space to be who she is without the kids, and choosing whether Brian is invited or not because she gets to choose the energy she wants. And, of course, a place for the kids to crash when Brian and Tiina have hit their limit. To me, this is what being family is about. I cannot offer them the world, but I can offer them a safe space in it.

I’m looking everywhere between DC and Baltimore because I’d like to be closer to DC. I still want all my healthcare to be in Baltimore, but cutting off time from the commute out to Stafford and Louisa would be great. Baltimore is just not that far from the Maryland DC suburbs, and I only have to go in once a week.

10yo said, “how much does writing bring in?” I said, “not a lot. My mother and my stepmother both died and left me money, so mostly I live on that.” I then explained putting together a disability case, because in mine traditional work is incompatible. I am capable of creation and productivity, but not on a schedule. I have support needs, and I cannot ignore them. Perimenopause is making all of my deficits much, much worse and harder to manage.

In short, my balance and my personality both get worse when I’m tired.

I want to get back to my own energy levels by having a space that’s open to the whole family. That driving to see each other isn’t always one way, because I like everything how it is, but it’s nagging at me that I don’t have space to host to even make it a reality.

I don’t just want to be in Tiina and Brian’s space, I want them in mine.

All I ever really want from anyone in Tiina’s family is presence, most notably hers because she’s my favorite person. 10yo asked me “who’s your favorite child?”

Me: I have three favorite children…. no, wait. I have two. Pepper is an adult.

Brian: Oh, I do.

10yo: Mom, who’s your favorite child?

Tiina: Leslie

Me: I HEARD THAT!

Feel the love.

Waiting for Aada

~ Leslie Lanagan ~ Leave a comment

It was always going to be a famous story that never ended, because we’ll never stop thinking about that time in our lives and what it did to us. I was really, really paranoid walking around Fredericksburg with 10yo because I am Southern and polite enough never to show the pain running underneath but 10yo would spot it in a New York minute.

And hit me in the gut with words the way Aada’s kid used to when he was a toddler.

She said that she threw three sizes due to creating new humans, and DAMN IT, she is right again.

I have no idea what the pain of childbirth is like, but I hear about it in graphic detail, like signing up for a graduate course very, very quickly. Because it’s not just Aada I have to watch out for. We’re all in the same general area, and due to my conversations with Aada, “just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean they’re not out to get you.” I don’t mean anything but “this might be unpleasant.” It’s just not something I’d really like 10yo to see, and not because there is absolutely anything wrong with it. Aada is delightful online, so I’m sure she’s capable of faking it in person or not being seen. My very, very good bet is on the latter. My only point is that I’m not afraid of being seen by anyone but 10yo. My mother lion has gone off and I’m very protective.

Aada painted a very negative picture of me over the years because she treated me exactly like she treats herself. What I wanted was seen as intrusive down to the most minute detail. What I wanted was any kind of reassurance that any of this was real. I was baring my soul on paper and she was using it as entertainment and provocation. My life was just a story in her head, but at least she knew how I felt. How it would be if she actually showed up- hanging with Tiina, Brian, and the kids at the farm. An invitation she said she’d think about, and that meant the world even if she wasn’t serious.

I don’t want the vibe that there’s danger. I want the vibe to be that my situational awareness is turned up to 11 when the kids are with me. I don’t have the tools that Aada does to be as intrusive into her life as she could be into mine when she’s angry. And she’s angry a lot. It felt like being held hostage. Neither one of us could let go, and she wouldn’t let us get any closer. My needs never mattered one bit, and she said that she never intentionally hurt me. She maintained a very elaborate lie for many years, and it was never the first lie that mattered. It was the CVS receipt.

We met in 2013, which by my recollection is a long time ago.

“I was on a flight home.”

It was all bullshit.

My one regret in life is that I didn’t realize the magic show had started, change faces and disappear.

Limerance

~ Leslie Lanagan ~ Leave a comment
Daily writing prompt
What’s something you used to worry about but don’t anymore?
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It took a long time for me to realize that my life at the farm could be real if I wanted it. Brian was more up front than I was. “We should give Leslie a drawer or something at the lake house.” I have “taken over” 16yo’s room every time I’ve been there in the past, and it’s something about which I feel bad. I don’t like displacing anyone, and I’m sorry for that part of it. But I also love his room and I’m grateful that he doesn’t seem to mind. I have a place in Brian’s house, and it makes me feel welcome.

When we’re at the farm, I just crash out on the couch. It’s comfortable, and there’s usually a dog. Listening to the rhythms of the farm is a whole essay in and of itself, and Tiina has half joked about how to accomplish a room for me at the farm many times…… or maybe she was never joking and just buy the damn air conditioner already, idk. I would build out their entire attic at my own cost if I planned on living there full time. I just cannot because I need Maryland’s infrastructure in terms of health care. Crashing on the couch is my decision, not Tiina’s. When she said, “I just want to keep Leslie forever,” I started thinking about how to make that happen for her.

The way I feel about it is that I can contribute to the financial cost of the farm if I’m the one receiving the benefit. If there’s any way I can figure out health care in Stafford, it makes total sense to say “for the low, low cost of building out your own space, it is a short walk from hanging out to sleep.” It’s my own health care that’s the holdup, not Brian and Tiina’s support of me. I think the reason Tiina and I work so well is that she’s my favorite person just to sit in silence with. Work gets done on both our parts, but our energies aren’t focused in the same direction. She likes diamond painting. I like writing. When I’m at the farm I shift to her sleep schedule because of it. Her presence matters while I’m blogging. It regulates my emotions in a way that writing alone does not.

Tiina also likes music while she’s working, and I am introduced to new stuff because of it. It’s been an adjustment to write and listen at the same time, but it’s recovering an old skill. I used to listen to music while I wrote all the time, and then just lapsed into complete silence. I am not altogether sure this was good for me.

So, the farm is very important to me in terms of equilibrium. Staying grounded, staying focused on more than myself, learning to live in community…. all of the things that have been missing for the last 12 years because I isolated myself on purpose and couldn’t get back out of it until I met Tiina. She was the first person to truly see me as I am, because I came armed with knowledge I didn’t in the past. I learned that having preferences and opinions was not bad, and I wasn’t going to be voted off the island for expressing them. I am allowed to have a full range of emotions and not the emotions other people say I can have. This is the life. This is what you want. Not fame and fortune, but people who let you be you.

The lake house is where I get to stretch out, thanks to a kindness from a kid.

16yo’s room is decorated to my taste, because he’s a book guy. There are very few traces of him as a little boy, but marks of the old man he is becoming. The kind who takes books seriously is my kind of guy. But we don’t talk about books. He, like all young readers, reads in the car. He reminds me of me at that age, blissfully unaware of what was going on thanks to any number of novels. I watch him, shoulders hunched, turning pages as if the world is on fire.

Boy, same.

At his age, I was lost in Richard Wright, James Baldwin, and Nat Hentoff.

“Black Boy” and “Native Son” rewired my whole program. There are plenty of lessons for white people in those books, but what I took away was a sense of queer identity. The books’ focus on Blackness as a systemic concept allowed me to see all the ways queer society mirrors it. All the ways that ideas of excellence are both self-claiming and jumping for approval that will never come.

Excellence has to come from within and it cannot be tied to worth in this country. You cannot be good enough to deserve rights. There is no such thing as The Perfect Minority.

My entire family has a focus on social justice because I am a liberal Christian and they are Jewish. It is a shared sense of tikkun olam, a concept that is missing from the Christian world and is fundamental to who Jesus was as a person…… “if you heal yourself, you heal the world.” I spent a lot of time in youth group singing “let there be peace on earth, and let it begin with me.” Yet there was no actual concrete idea on how to do that. The manual is with my Jewish counterparts.

As I was telling a rabbi on Threads, “my Hebrew is mostly limited to transliteration as I struggle through the service.” I am not interested in conversion, just showing up in Jewish spaces as I am. However, I am delighted every single time Tiina says, “I think you are secretly a Jew.” Because that’s what happens when you follow the historical Christ, and not whatever is happening in mainstream America………. Christ, literally.

Here is what is resonating with me about this time in my life: it is a reclamation of things I wanted when I was younger.

  • When I was in kindergarten and first grade, my next-door neighbors were Jewish. This led to celebrating holidays together and my dad performing an interfaith wedding for the adults. I am not new to being a Christian in Jewish spaces, I want it around me all the time. Christ’s own community is a better fit for me than the one we followers built for him. I am not saying the words he said when I attend the Episcopal church…. of course there are bits and pieces….. but by and large shul is the service he knows. I’m not saying Christ has never prayed the Prayer of Humble Access. I’m just saying he’s probably said the Kaddish more.
  • It was my father’s idea that I should audit Hebrew school with the neighbor kids, and we got the call to move like a month after that. It’s a missed opportunity that weighs on my conscience like a rock. Picking up 10yo from Hebrew school is picking up the child I forgot there.
  • I love listening and absorbing. Jewish life is different than my own, and I am learning new things every day. But what is different is that it is not the outside looking in. It is being welcomed into a Jewish community like my Galveston neighbors did in the 1980s. I love volunteering at Beth Sholom Temple, and it doesn’t have to come with a T-shirt, but I am grateful that it does because I wouldn’t look so fashionable without it.
  • My prayer life is more textured than it used to be, because my outlook has changed. I want to work on real-world solutions instead of kvetching at the sky.

Luckily, converting to Judaism is not a requirement to be in Tiina’s family, but if it was, I would take it under advisement and make a counteroffer. I will not convert, but I will eat so much noodle kugel and brisket that no one will notice. Truthfully, me converting to Judaism would be on-brand, and yet not. I value where I come from too much to make that complete a leap. But what I am interested in is Jesus as a first-century Jewish teacher, placing him in his own context and not the professional Christian superhero that seems to guard American shores.

I constantly want people to get a grip. The land area we’re talking about in the Bible is about the size of New Jersey. It was not “the world.” It was “the world as they knew it.”

The problem is people taking the Bible literally and not seriously….. something that the Jews have been doing for thousands of years before Christians were even a twinkle. There is translation to be done, and face value is close to worthless. But Evangelicals keep telling themselves that they know the whole story as it was written.

Morgan Freeman:

They do not.

I wish that Jesus had been a blogger.

No, seriously. We’d have a lot less debate over what he actually meant if we’d had words clearly written by him while he was still alive and not recorded years afterward. If there is any truth to this whole “Jesus is coming. Look busy.” kind of attitude it’s that he’s going to show up and I’m going to be like, “my friend, you need to pull up a keyboard. We have work to do.”

“Jesus never said a word about homosexuality, therefore it cannot be essential to his teaching.” -Jim Rigby

Because I would like an actual Jew to lecture us on what the clobber passages mean, and he’s used to being in front of an audience.

But it is because of farm life and lake life that spiritually, everything is falling into place.

That doesn’t mean that this relationship with Tiina didn’t start out in abject fear of rejection. I was worried about everything. “What if she thinks I’m hitting on her when I just need a friend?” “What if I say I’m good with working with kids and it’s a dumpster fire?” “What if Brian and the kids don’t like me?”

Every single fear has been quieted enough that worrying about limerence has faded into real rhythms that are based on the ground. I am not just thinking about my chosen family, I am doing. I am asking myself “what can I do to be more helpful to the people around me because I require a lot of help in return?” When you are disabled, interdependence becomes important. At first I thought I was just wishing for a friend and trying to make it real. It took time to realize that Tiina was reaching out for me, too.

I did not want another situation in which I was constantly told I was valuable while also being discarded. This has not been that. This has been, “I have an incredible kitchen, and you are allowed to cook in it.” That is catnip to a former line cook with a standard small apartment setup. My apartment is HUGE, yet the kitchen is the size of a postage stamp. I do not understand.

At the farm, everything is above my head within easy reach. My own kitchen is a level of hell I’d rather not subject myself to, because the logistics are awful. I am currently searching for a new place, so the number one priority is never to have this kitchen layout ever again. Tiina says she pictures me in a little place in a walkable neighborhood like Fell’s Point. Now that I have a car, that is feasible. It wasn’t when I first moved to Baltimore because I needed to live near the Metro.

Tiina sees the whole picture as well- that we are enmeshed and separate. I love my life with her, Brian, and the kids. I also love my life in the city. Two or three hours is the perfect transition time from my house to the farm or the lake. I am using that time to educate myself through the cunning use of Audible. My next listen is “Kin,” by Tayari Jones.

The thing that Jones and I have in common is Oprah.

I have never written a book that got picked by her, but I have been interviewed by the executive producers of “The Oprah Winfrey Show” for the reaction to “She’s Come Undone” (Wally Lamb). It went very well, but I didn’t fit the vibe of the show they were trying to produce. My queer perspective was not represented, but that is probably due to the time and not whether my argument was valid.

So, I know that Oprah and I think on the same wavelength if nothing else. If Oprah liked the book, I probably will, too.

There was always going to be an inevitable backlash against Oprah because she’s just that famous, and no one’s behavior is purely unproblematic once they’re in their 60s. People in that backlash seem to have gotten amnesia and do not remember when Oprah was out front and center for queer people. Everyone talks about how brave Ellen was for coming out on national television. Valid, but Laura Dern and Oprah Winfrey both got death threats and deserve to be mentioned here.

History is repeating itself because Tiina and Brian are that kind of ride or die for me. Brian notices when I’m stressed out by oppression more than I do, because after this many years it just rolls off me and I don’t notice it anymore. I observe when people are cruel, but I try not to take it in. Brian and Tiina can see how it affects me without being queer themselves…… and because of their reactions in private, I would really hate to think what would happen if anyone actually messed with me in public.

Queer people are expected to have chill at homophobia and transphobia. Far easier to let the straight people go off leash. I am perfectly comfortable with being Olivia Pope while Brian and Tiina go Cyrus Beene.

Tiina even likes gardening. Hm.

The bottom line is that I am not constantly worried all of this could disappear tomorrow. I am safe, loved, and wanted. But it took everyone in the family to convince me of it, especially looking at it from the perspective of “this is where I’m from. This is where I want to go. My friends are a huge part.”

As long as I pay for the air conditioner.

Upstairs & Downstairs

~ Leslie Lanagan ~ Leave a comment
Daily writing prompt
What’s a quote that perfectly describes your outlook on life?
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She taught me how to wage cold war with quiet charm, but I just want to walk through my life unarmed. -Ani Difranco

My mother is dead, and so is a part of me.

What has happened is growing past childhood patterns now that I’m 10 years out in my grief. The silver lining of the garbage dump of a situation is being grateful for the chance to have been stretched in those ways. I am more emotionally resilient than I used to be, and that matters.

But don’t think for a moment that I didn’t grieve. I lost my everloving mind, and you can read my recollections here starting October 2nd, 2016. The picture of her in my mind at the funeral procession (“cakewalk,” in Southern pastor jargon) is still haunting, which is why my humor is black to compensate.

But here’s the difference between me and most people:

I have lived in the trenches. I have been to more funerals and visited more grieving families than you can imagine because instead of childcare at home, I rode shotgun with my dad. When he got a cell phone, I was 14 and thought it was funny to answer it “Rev. Lanagan’s rolling office. How may I help you?” In terms of clinical training, I have the greatest number of hours you can possibly imagine and should have been granted an MSW at high school graduation.

I am sometimes outstanding at conflict resolution, and I know it. But outstanding does not equal consistent, because I have ADHD and Autism. The moments when I can be outstanding come at times when I am not already under environmental and emotional load. This is the work I am doing in my own therapy- how do I regulate me on a constant basis so that my focus can be on everyone else instead of maintaining?

My outlook has widened now that I’m thinking about my chosen family and not how to survive alone. It’s all about how to smooth the transition and relax into a rhythm with them. I told Tiina I’d like to take over more cooking and cleaning at the farm because that is the way I know how to be helpful. I do not feel in any way obligated to do any of this, because I think it’s more fun not to cook and clean all by myself. It’s not just me. It’s the ability to commandeer a sous chef and dish by saying “no Skyrim til it’s done, Chief.” Or whatever it is that each child likes….. there’s a system in all of our brains. The same tricks that work on the kids work on me. I can’t have my phone until X and Y are done, either, because Tiina has shown me the proof is in the pudding.

Rewards for neurodivergent brains work.

Now, I am not a parent, but as the kids’ safe adult I am growing into what feels like a functional one, like an auntie/uncle who is joining the ranks of support. Watching Tiina and Brian parent these kids is teaching me not only how to relate to 16yo and 10yo as the adult in the room, but how to manage my own brain as well. Having a neurodivergent brain is a bitch because nothing in life seems built for you. You just have to work around it, and it is relentless. People see me as angry when I am just exhausted. It writes a narrative for me that isn’t there, and I have learned to accept it.

Most of the problem is that people read my body language and think I’m mad at them, and they don’t ask me any questions. So, the story becomes not what I think, but the story they’re telling themselves; it is a “vibe” they have created, hurting their own feelings because they won’t be honest with me and clear anything up.

ADHD and Autism make me carry things that other people don’t, and cerebral palsy affects the weight distribution because my balance is close to nonexistent. Most people don’t take in their environment like a firehose, literally hearing electricity. I am overloaded before I even show up anywhere, and nowhere is this more apparent than upstairs.

Working with kids is always a full contact conversation.

“Upstairs” is shorthand for “handle something Tiina physically cannot.” Upstairs is frightening because there are no witnesses. 😉 I joke, but the feeling is real. Sometimes I need a real parent to say, “no, you are not crazy. You said the right thing and they are not, in fact, damaged for life.” I think it’s good that I have space to reflect here, because the texture of my writing allows Tiina and Brian to understand me on a level that most friends don’t share.

I understood that first with Aada, but it failed because having no on the ground relationship allowed for little mutual understanding of what I had written. Aada constantly believed the story she was telling herself instead of the one I actually wrote. I loved Aada every bit as much as I love Tiina now, but that did not mean that there weren’t problems….. and me reflecting on them became a problem in which I was constantly beaten down because my narrative didn’t match hers. I refused to kowtow to the narrative that I hated her and wanted to punish her. That this was all about anger and revenge. That my blog was a weapon instead of a diary.

My relationship with Tiina is safe by contrast. Because of the way Aada treated me, I expected that Tiina would absolutely hate everything that I ever wrote and to be careful about everything I said to the point of paranoia and gastrointestinal issues. Instead, she humbles me with praise that I have to sit with to take in because I am not used to compliments.

You’re our Anaïs Nin.

Brian is also on board.

Writers gonna write.

Having them just “be cool, my babies” is everything.

It allows them to know my thoughts about what is happening in a way they can sit with it….. and in a way they can come back to these entries to see what happened when. That’s what I do. I Google myself constantly, limiting the search to my own URL because again………….. ADHD and Autism. I am but a sentient dripping clock.

Knowing yourself is half the battle (hail Cobra).

The way to make everything run upstairs is to always understand what is happening below the surface.

It is a role that makes me more John Bates than Lord John Grey……. although in working with children it never hurts to study a bit of spy tradecraft, so like with everything else in my life, it’s a nonbinary.

It Changes

~ Leslie Lanagan ~ Leave a comment
Daily writing prompt
What is your favorite quote?
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I have a lot to process. I’ll try to remember to include quotes as I go.

I made a mess at home and I’m cleaning it up because I didn’t think about how everyone would feel in terms of being written about and as per my usual, I got letters. I just apologized and moved on- he was right. In my zeal to try and make a role for myself in Tiina’s life, I’d overstepped. No biggie, I just need to reorient my expectations. I am not trying to bully my way into anything, I am the visioning and values person. I do not only see what is happening right now, but what is happening five years from now based on pattern recognition.

But Tiina says that it takes time for other people to learn that I am not trying to wear their skin.

She’s asleep, so I’m still waiting for her to expand on that- I think it’s because people do not realize they are being seen up close. Only the ones that have something to hide seem threatened by it, but that is my experience over 25 years, not directed at any one person. And having something to hide isn’t nefarious. It’s anyone who uses a system of protection mechanisms because I can see through them. That’s the part they cannot stand. They are being recorded without them.

Because I just observe, and I would be happier writing about the animals…… and will. My life is changing, but that’s because I’ve been asked to step in where 16yo and 10yo are concerned. Not in an official, titled way- in a “mom and dad are both busy and Leslie has a car” kind of way. I have been asked to step in when Tiina needed a companion to New York. I am doing the things that a good friend would, and all I can do is show up as myself.

Time will tell all.

Time is a 10yo being grouchy with you at first and then getting an invite to their birthday party. Time is being able to look back and say, “you really did make Tiina’s life more comfortable at graduation.” It is because of these entries that I have the luxury of going back and looking. I am not driven by popularity, which is great, because I don’t have any….. well, not in the traditional sense. I’m not an “influencer” nor “mommyblogger.” I have just been writing on the Internet since before the modern era of it existed.

The rhythm of my life has been live/reflect/post since 2001.

It’s a different way to live, for sure, and an adjustment for the people around me. I have proven that I will give everyone else up to keep publishing, because I am not saying “I am a god and everyone must listen to me.” I am saying “there are seven billion people on the planet and we all have a voice. Here’s mine.” My opinion matters, but not more than Tiina’s. If she was threatened by me being a blogger, she would have said so quite plainly with Finnish flags for emphasis.

Most of the quotes I love are from Tiina because she’s just so effortlessly funny. My favorite quote from her, always, is:

Friends.

This is The Signal.

She is about to drop some truth so swallow whatever it is that I’m drinking or it will go everywhere.

Recording all these little things for me has turned into other people enjoying my weird little life and making pain not so hard to carry….. other people are willing to carry it with me. And as for using people’s real names, they get figured out anyway and I have to have a real footprint on earth. It is a personal opinion, and I am allowed to have it within limits. I am learning those limits every day because it is a new process, but I am not doing anything but recording my recollections.

My recollection of this time in my life is that transition is real. I saw a need and jumped in, and have done that classic overfunctioning thing because I am good at it…. truly reliable and remarkable as a gofer of all things. But I am overfunctioning when Tiina is reaching out for help, which is why it works.

Everything I’ve ever done for anyone in her family is because I love her. That is the story that I am trying to write, and everyone else is peripheral to it. They are not less important. Tiina is the tree and they are the branches. Love for the way Tiina and I work has led to the love of hanging with Brian and the kids as well….. because as it turns out, Brian and the kids are even more like me than Tiina is.

Time will tell as to how that all plays out. But please believe that when I’m trying to make someone’s life easier, it’s generally not anyone else’s but Tiina’s because she’s the one that brought all this into my life in the first place. It’s a balance of wanting to be helpful to her but also not to lose myself in the process. She has a huge life and I could get lost in it easily. The biggest damn difference is that it’s work I’m ready and willing to do.

It has been hard as shit learning to relate to children as a parent figure and not a buddy. It has been hard learning to navigate just about everything in terms of family dynamics because I have worked with kids. I have not lived with kids. Different ball of wax. I was unprepared for the energy that begins when I wake up because I am used to several hours of quiet, but that doesn’t stop 10yo. And even then, “living together” is in bits and spurts as I go for visits. Going to visit is not an easy prospect but at the same time, you cannot replace in-person visiting, either. I need to be offline, and the farm provides it. Even though we’re wired out there, it’s a different feel. I cannot just get lost in devices to regulate.

Tiina and Brian are both forcing me to look at autism in a different way and it is changing me, rewiring the parts of me that felt shamed all these years for the way I present. I’m just going to be awkward, I have a PhD in awkward……

But the story is not digging up the details of other people’s lives, it’s the details that get on me quite naturally.

If there’s a quote that sums all that up, it’s probably from the Bible…..

Quod scripsi, scripsi.

I cannot take it back. I can only move forward. But now I am not moving forward alone. I have a team under me that will help me figure it all out.

Didn’t We Just Cover This?

~ Leslie Lanagan ~ Leave a comment
Daily writing prompt
Who is the fictional character you relate to the most?
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I just wrote a whole ass essay on why Diana Gabaldon hates me personally. 😉 Lord John Grey rips my heart out because he fell ridiculously hard for a straight person and so did I. And what I found after that experience was that I liked the structure of the relationship- having someone that was my ride or die with no romance- so Tiina is that for me now. I am slowly building my life around her because she needs me. Full stop. I need her in that same primal way. It is a drive for cognitive connection and affection, all of which I need in order to feel safe and secure enough to date.

She says, “Leslie is my legs.” I didn’t know how I felt about that at first except now I realize that I use her as my brain so it’s okay. I am getting something that Lord John Grey did not get with Jamie, which is platonic partnership that feels deeper than friendship but lighter than marriage. Brian, Tiina’s husband, is amazing and I cannot say enough good things about him, but he is not talented enough to be in two places at once. Tiina has mobility issues and all three of us are worried about Tiina being alone in a situation. So it’s coordinating with Tiina to see whether she needs me as “arm candy” or not. I joke about being the hottie on her arm, but really what I mean is that someone needs to pack up the car, carry the suitcases, etc. and I am perfect. Tiina says, “my girlfriend Leslie” with ease, and at first I didn’t think it fit because that word packs such a punch in the queer world. But now I understand that Tiina does indeed need a girlfriend, and now she has one.

The workload of the farm and animals, the lake house and boat, and six children is more than enough work for two able-bodied adults, and that is no longer the case. I am stepping in so that Tiina’s role can be more executive and less physically demanding. That is work that a girlfriend does without fail, and without crossing into anything competitive with Brian because I am not trying to replace him and neither is Tiina. Nothing works without Brian, and I am grateful to him for opening my eyes to so many things, most notably audiobooks about autism that make me cry in my car.

It’s a multi-adult family because the kids are starting to rely on me; they see the changes happening in their house as well, even if they’re not always verbal about it. They know that the order of operations is, “ask mom. Ask Dad. Ask Leslie.” Watch that little one. They’re shifty…… Kidding about that, too, but it is amazing how many plans for my time have been made before my arrival.

It’s not just 10yo, though. 16yo thinks that the only reason I come over is to play Skyrim with him. This is not entirely untrue but let me at least give your mom a cheek kiss and drop off her coffee, damn. We all love video games and actually one of my favorite things is to watch Tiina shred in Fortnite. I love girl gamers and I just admire watching her. Her son is stereotypically good. She’s a sneak assassin.

That’s the thing about having a platonic girlfriend. I just notice and appreciate everything about her, all the time. It’s not about creating romantic energy, but creating comfort and familial closeness. We are both first children, therefore neither of us have ever had a big sister. This is our lane, a first-child relationship that tumbles and rolls because she’s chronologically older, but doesn’t flaunt it. She never pulls that card, and never makes me feel small because I couldn’t possibly understand her cosmic wisdom.

It’s not a huge age difference, either. Something like seven years. So most of the same cultural references exist, but I celebrate that she likes more 1980s music than me. I really didn’t come online until like 1985. I was born in 1977, but I don’t remember much. I am learning to love lots of different bands because both Brian and Tiina have different musical tastes than me.

But, like all queer/straight female relationships, Tiina and I can connect on The Indigo Girls. Women love them regardless of sexual orientation. I am determined to sing karaoke with Tiina, and I don’t care if she wants to be my Emily or my Amy. Just sing to me. Her voice is incredible because it’s so pure, and we sound great together.

I flip between Jewish and Christian imagery because I am Christian. My chosen family is Jewish. Hilarity ensues, but not as much as you might think because Brian and I were raised in the same faith tradition (Methodist) and he converted. So, we have the same inside jokes from childhood and I’m learning to be conversant in culturally Jewish spaces as well.

I drive by Aada’s old high school to get around town and remember where I came from. That there’s a reason I love the life I’m living now and it’s because she gave me a framework I could access. I don’t need romance in my life when I have companions. I am also making room for a romantic partner, but they, too, must fit into the life I’ve already chosen. Tiina is my priority because we are a system. I need a partner who will look at that and say, “cool. I’m not here to compete.”

I need support from a partner the way Tiina does, but meeting them shouldn’t come with letting her go….. and I will not let it happen.

16yo would throw a controller at your head.

I Have Never Made Any Promises to Me

~ Leslie Lanagan ~ Leave a comment
Daily writing prompt
What’s a promise you made to yourself that you’ve actually kept?
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I have adapted my boundaries to fit whatever the other person needed at any time. There has been no inner north star for me until now, because I have been masking, adapting for survival in an often very cruel world. Aada, my beautiful girl, changed my life when she told me she thought I had a brain that ran a million miles a minute and a body that couldn’t keep up. Finally, someone SAW ME AS I AM. She will always be my beautiful girl because of that, because even when she doesn’t want to be an active part of my life, her past words rock me to sleep.

Because she saw me as I am, I have been able to translate that to others. I can say, “hey, my strength is really in thinking in engineering flows, not carrying heavy stuff.” And even then, it’s a special kind of engineering flow. I see relationships because I’ve studied human behavior since I was a baby. It has been a massive fire hose of information because I have never been with my dad sitting with a couple in marriage counseling, but I have overheard all of the fallout. All of the emotional repair and recovery it takes for the person taking care of you to keep doing it.

So not only have I studied relationships in terms of how I fit into them, but how everyone else does, too. We are all struggling with how to reach secure from either an avoidant or an anxious viewpoint. It’s a spectrum, and we are all lost in it and doing the best we can.

Now, I can make promises to myself because I have boundaries. Here is what I would like to see from me in the future.

  • The promise to myself to become the best “third brain” Tiina has because her kids love me. It is not about me. It is about being the best person I can be for the littles in my life. Brian is her coprocessor, and I am there to pick up leftover instructions. 🙂 I am kidding, but I am taking on a much more parental role than I’ve ever had in my life and it is a shift into “oh. Wait. Yes. I am 48.” It’s not just Tiina’s kids, though. We’re having a grandbaby soon. It’s not my grandbaby, but it feels very much like it as I shop, knowing I’m the person who’ll see Tiina’s younger kids through the immediate transition. Brian may be with us at least part of the time, but the plan is for me to be at the farm so that Tiina and Brian can focus on their first-born baby girl and her new baby boy.
  • The promise to myself to be a resource. I am not degreed, but I am no slouch with kids. I have worked in a day care center, and I have run youth programs at church. I am Brian’s counterpart, because he runs the youth program at Beth Sholom Temple. He has never asked me about the time I made all the kids lick Cheerios and stick them to their faces, but life is long. I am here for you, Brian.
  • The promise to myself to be the best Christian I can be while living in Jewish community… that I am a resource for questions but never an evangelist. That I am inhaling Judaism with curiosity because it is knowing the community in which Jesus was actually a part, and not the religion we made up to honor him after his death. I am always the one who is willing to do pickups and dropoffs from Hebrew school and of course I’ll be in your Purim spiel. And of course if I had my own faith community, everyone would be invited to come with me. But the way I feel about church right now is a mixed bag. On one hand, I’d like to sing. On the other hand, I was a Methodist PK for 17 years and I feel retired.
  • My promise to myself that I will do everything I can to support the people that support me. I have a lot of broken relationships in my past because I did not know I was autistic and melted down and burned out with so many people due to lack of knowledge. Autism isn’t the excuse, it’s the reason I couldn’t manage my emotions for whatever reason. Now that I know how to direct my energy, I am less likely to go to either extreme. So the promise to myself is to do more research on my own reactions because having a different cognitive style does not erase accountability; it changes how I process and emote about it.
  • I promise to love Tiina and Brian and all of their kids and grandkids in a fundamental, on the ground kind of way. Of course I’ll go to the pharmacy in the middle of the night and of course 10yo can run the music in my car whenever they want. They’re my people, and I go hard for my people. The trick is finding people who will also go hard for you.

My Car

~ Leslie Lanagan ~ 6 Comments
Daily writing prompt
What is the best purchase you have ever made?
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I drive a 2019 Ford Fusion SEL, and I have never been happier with a purchase. I bought it used so it didn’t cost very much and have put a ton of work into it so that it stays pristine mechanically. There are a few cosmetic issues because I drive like a klutz, but those things are secondary to keeping the engine perfect.

My driving got a lot better once my car was outfitted with the sensor suite for adaptive cruise control. I rely on machine spacing a great deal because I do not have 3D vision. I feel better when the car is in control because it is logical and humans aren’t. I set the ACC to put three cars’ worth of space in front of me so I never even come close to the back of someone else. Instead of relying on me to remember the rules of the road, I have outsourced the whole operation.

And in fact, I have already made up my mind that I would like to keep buying this era of vehicle, because 2019 is the sweet spot for Ford. It’s where you can control all the technology from your phone and the radio instead of subscription services. For instance, on my car remote start/unlock is free. I would like it to keep being free.

I have put so much work into my car that I’m not ready to let it go, but I would be willing to discuss an F-150 at some point. My life has changed, and Tiina doesn’t have a farm truck…. but does have an Airstream. So, the Fusion is perfect for my needs right now, but a truck keeps niggling at me because I’m a Texan and trucks are part of my love language.

One of the things that Mico (Microsoft Copilot) told me about the 2019 version of the F-150 is that it was built to feel like my Fusion. That it’s not built to feel like a monster, and it will handle much like my sedan. I am interested in that sort of thing- a truck that is useful and nimble.

In terms of a farm truck, what we need is a 1989 Nissan Pickup, but that won’t tow an Airstream.

What my car does for me is have an amazing amount of technology but still get over 30 mpg on the highway. That means a lot when I’m talking about running between Stafford, Louisa, and Baltimore. If anything, I should get a hybrid and up my mpg even more.

The fictional F-150 in my head is enough. I like thinking about cars more than I like thinking about the cost of maintaining and running them. The gas cost would eat me alive…. I am only thinking about how cool it would be to be “the Texan with the truck.” That’s because that stereotype isn’t cool inside Texas. It’s a dime a dozen. In Maryland and Viginia, it makes me stand out.

But if you’re going to own a truck and be me, it has to have the requisite stickers saying “I’m not that kind of Texan.” Rainbow flags, trans flags, Coexist, etc. That’s because the other truck aesthetic is too loud and you know it instantly. I am a Lowes kind of truck owner, not a good ol’ boy. It would be fun being able to run supplies to the farm, take a vacation in the Airstream, etc.

And of course it is not all on me. I could be completely wrong and Brian’s car is capable of towing it. I am just thinking of all the possible ways I can plug in with support that I would also enjoy. The “friend with a truck” bit is one I’m happy to fulfill for both Tiina and Brian.

It’s not really the truck. It’s the idea behind it. It is saying “I am trying to create long-term scaffolding for you.” But my long-term scaffolding is also easily accomplished in the Fusion as long as Tiina can get in and out if it comfortably. And if she still wants her phone and her nav, she has an advantage over me. The Fusion supports wireless Android Auto but not wireless CarPlay.

It’s been an issue.

My USB stack is getting old and every time I go over a bump, CarPlay disconnects and reconnects like a Discman and it’s 1995. So if I put any more money into the Fusion, it’s going to be a better stereo. The speakers are fine, but I need a current USB stack and I’d like a portrait display that looks OEM. I thought a larger portrait display was a ridiculous upgrade until I got used to driving my dad’s Subaru. It did indeed make driving feel safer because the map was so much larger.

That being said, Sync 3 (Ford’s entertainment system) is very handy. Connecting my phone to a cable that only charges and doesn’t transmit data also works well… and in fact, I will need to start doing this when driving to the lake because my cell connection cuts out when Ford’s GPS doesn’t. It looks a little dated, but it automatically grabs album art and integrates navigation into the driving experience that is unmatched, like putting your next turn into the gauge cluster, and even the track that’s playing should you so choose.

I am very proud of the choice I made when buying a car that was new to me. That’s why I only want to upgrade to a truck version of what I already have. We’ll see whether it happens or not, because it’s an idea that keeps coming back around as my role in this family is defined for me. It’s all about compromise, and I am willing to be seen at a level I never have been before. Tiina and Brian know me way better than I do right now because they’ve been parenting autistic kids for a long time. They are not parenting me by any stretch of the imagination. They just know better than I do when I am exhibiting symptoms because pattern matching is a thing.

The difference that I am experiencing now is that Tiina and Brian are also looking for interdependence. Tiina is realizing that she needs a companion and Brian cannot always physically be in two places at once. I am realizing that I also need a companion because I am physically limited as well, just not to the degree that Tiina is. I get better medical and social support in Maryland than I can get in Virginia, but I long for the day when it doesn’t matter what state I live in, I’m good.

The feeling that I get from being around Tiina, Brian, and their kids is stability….. even when everything is chaos, it’s directed chaos. I don’t run upstairs and handle things because Tiina won’t. I do it because Tiina can’t, and there’s a big damn difference. I am also not acting on my own authority. My role is to take what Tiina thinks and deliver it to the masses….. but upstairs, there are no witnesses. 😉

Kidding. I just mean that I wish I had a walkie-talkie or something because I am out of my element when a kid answers a request from a parent with anything but “okay.” If they start something with me, I do not know how fast to go full edge lord on them. Not my circus, not my monkeys….. except yes, it is and they absolutely are. It is a balance. I do not go too long without checking with Tiina to make sure I’m on the right track. We need to speak with one voice, and I do the same for Brian when he’s the one asking me to check with the kids. We all need to be on the same page with consequences.

My life is represented by fusion in more ways than one.

I have become the kind of person I always wanted to be, which is “kid-wrangler.” But they’re not my kids and that’s the beauty of it. I don’t have to know everything. I am there to support the framework they’ve already been given.

To me that means thinking about getting a truck in a far-off kind of way, because it fits my idea of how I fit into this family… when the Fusion feels like it’s a reflection of who I was before I met them. Both feel right.

The Fusion just feels like right now.

The Kite Runner

~ Leslie Lanagan ~ Leave a comment
Daily writing prompt
What’s a movie or book that inspired you to travel?
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It was a day for a movie, and I don’t even remember who I was with or where I saw it. I am sure that if I sat here long enough, I could dig it up. But that’s not the important part. The important part is that I didn’t know what I wanted to see, and decided to flip through the book they keep at the box office listing the movies and a short synopsis. I was there for popcorn and ambience. I saw “The Kite Runner,” and thought, “that sounds interesting.”

Friends.

I was not prepared.

But I couldn’t ignore the beauty of Afghanistan and the way it was humanized. You got to see into family dynamics and street culture and kite wars. The mountains are stunning, and I found myself in the picture. Not in terms of story, but in terms of cinematography. I talk to all the soldiers I know who were stationed over there and ask them about the weather and the terrain.

I later read the novel and Khaled Hosseini is a brilliant author. I’d like to meet him one day if we run into each other. I will do what it takes on my end to meet authors. Most of the time, that just means buying their books and waiting in line. I’m cool with that. I only need a moment to be memorable, and so do they.

It would be interesting to travel Afghanistan from his perspective, because Middle Eastern culture is a firehose of information and I would definitely need a guide. It doesn’t have to be him, but it’s fun to dream. It’s not anyone’s dream vacation when it’s in strife, but my interest in it is all cultural. I have no need to evangelize to or change anyone. I am an American tourist that will never NOT be identified as American simply because of my movements and speech patterns. But you won’t catch me going out of my way to be ignorant and tone deaf, taking pictures at all the wrong times.

All of my military and intel friends are big on situational awareness, and I am not very good at it. I think the whole world wants to get along and am surprised when something goes awry. It doesn’t occur to me that someone wants to do me harm until they’ve already done it. Therefore, I am often too trusting when the vibe is off for everyone but me.

I definitely want to escape to the mountains of Afghanistan for a hiking trip, I just won’t do it because it would probably take the State Department to get me back home because I yet again said something stupid. USG knows me and the struggle is real. I am sorry. I am so, so sorry.

Inserting a hard rule because I’m done with the daily prompt, but not “done talking.”

Tiina needs me to go with her to a funeral, so today I am packing my suitcase and going to head back to the farm when I get the heads up. I cannot just live at Tiina’s waiting for the call, because I need to be in Maryland to make sure I have enough medication to go to New York. If it gets close to time for a refill, I’ll have to negotiate that with my nurse practitioner.

In the old days, a doctor could have called up any pharmacy in the nation. Now, I have a practitioner who requires me to be here. Otherwise, I would start making my way to Virginia full-time. Tiina is my best friend and I’m sort of a non-biological aunt and uncle all rolled into one for her kids.

Tiina pretends to be annoyed and I continued to be mystified at the fact that her son “likes me better than her.” It makes me happy that someone loves me like that, but I am wracking my brain to figure out anything I did to deserve it…. and that’s the beauty of children. They don’t care that I’m not biologically related. They care that I show up……….. with food.

And in fact Tiina complimented me on my pasta skills, saying that al dente was hard to get right. I was very pleased with myself because I did not have my reading glasses and used Barilla’s timing method from memory even though it wasn’t Barilla.

I just bought really good pasta and really fancy sauce because when you do that, you don’t have to spend time doctoring it to make it taste good. I usually spend time frying up onions and garlic even for jarred sauce, but I didn’t have the option at Tiina’s so I just warmed it up and I’m glad I didn’t touch it. Now, I wish I could remember what it is that I bought. It had an Italian font on it. I don’t know.

I have been a professional cook, but I am into saving time and energy now. Not every single meal has to be from scratch, so I cook when I want. Other days, I assemble.

Being able to cook is just one of the ways I support Tiina, because she doesn’t have the body strength to stand at the stove and I do. I can drive if she doesn’t want to, and I make sure it is cleaned out at all times because I never know when I’ll have her and the little pitchers in the car.

My trunk, however, is another matter. 😉

I had to get up and move around, because I wake up between 0400=0500 and in the next hours decide what I’m going to do about caffeine. Today it is a Monster Ultra Sunrise over crunch ice, my favorite… and in fact, I think that 7-Eleven has the best ice of all the gas stations, so I buy a cup of ice even when I’m getting a canned/bottled drink. 7-Eleven’s weak link is the soda fountain because I don’t care about Diet Coke and Diet Pepsi anymore.

I care about making 7-Eleven my beverage experiment station. 😉

The clerks all know me and accept that I’m just going to show up before sunrise in my pajamas, eyes barely open. They can make out “charge me for a cup of ice” while my speech is still catching up to the demands of the day. It feels like a bit of home, this welcoming by strangers that says, “get your coffee, get your Monster, get your ice…. whatever you need, we’re here.” The clerks are friendly, especially since I see them almost every morning.

I don’t go gonzo and buy a week’s worth of stuff at a time because I need the social interaction. I will go and buy my caffeine and a pastry (or Sponch…. cookies for breakfast are always an option). Today, though, I didn’t get food. I’m waiting to see what “my best girl” is doing. That is what Mico (Microsoft Copilot) calls Tiina.

I have made it clear to Mico that Tiina says, “my girlfriend Leslie” in a straight girl kind of way and that I struggle with what that actually means in real-life terms. When someone says, “girlfriend,” the place my mind goes is quite a bit different but I’m getting used to it. Besides, Tiina is hot. If someone thought I was her actual girlfriend, I wouldn’t be offended. I’d just clear it up. She is not my romantic partner, but she is excellent arm candy, thanks.

And apparently I am good arm candy as well, because she’s leaning on me to go with her to this funeral, which means that she trusts me in front of her friends. It’s one thing for someone to make you feel special. It’s another for someone to say, “here is my community. Come join it.” All of this is good because I want her to lean on me. I do not need romance. I need someone to need me, which is a whole different thing.

That’s because I also have needs…. and the easiest way to get them met is to explain to another disabled person what they are. Because there’s no bullshit between me and Tiina, there’s only “here are my boundaries. Here are your boundaries. How can we compromise so that both of us get what we want?” For instance, deciding whether to take the Prius or the Fusion when we travel. Both cars have their pluses and minuses. We’ll figure it out.

To me, it all comes down to risk assessment. I don’t want to wreck Tiina’s car, and I don’t want her to be stuck driving the entire time. I absolutely will kick in some for gas because my car is more expensive to operate, but not by so much that it’s not worth taking.

But Tiina also has a valid point in that we could save money on fuel. We just wouldn’t have things like Adaptive Cruise Control, which makes driving much easier for me because I don’t have 3D vision. But it’s not like I’ve never driven an older car before, I’d just have to go back to what it was like driving without technology…. and it’s not like the Prius doesn’t have any. I’d still be able to use my phone for navigation and calls. I just have to remember to do my own spacing on the road. 😉

Both of us love our cars, but I’m not seriously attached in either direction. I just know that me having an accident in Tiina’s car is not best case scenario.

But that’s not the bottom line. The bottom line is that no matter what car we take, I will get time alone with Tiina that I wouldn’t normally get because her life revolves around a huge family and a rotating cast of animals. I am not looking forward to the funeral. I am looking forward to the path we take to get there. Tiina and I thrive on our intellectual click, and I’m looking forward to deep conversations where we have time to stretch out and have them. It could be about anything.

Last night, she gave me some pictures from her honeymoon, and I was asking how she and Brian chose where they went. Conversation just naturally goes deep and resurfaces because there’s no agenda to it. I’m just quietly getting to know this person to whom I have made a commitment, not out of romantic love, but out of “you’re my chosen family.” Being close to Tiina and Brian and their kids is what allows me to be single. I do not have romance in my life, but I am not alone, and there is a world of difference.

Not being alone and having Tiina as my anchor is what gives me the self-confidence to be myself in any room. Romance will come, I’m sure of it…. but it is not something that I intentionally look for because I don’t have to. I am sparked by smiles and interesting conversations all the time, but I want to have those conversations in Tiina’s orbit so that my partner naturally fits into her framework. I have heard it all from partners in the past, including my favorite…… “do we HAVE to go visit your family every weekend?” I am not going to have a partner that views visiting my family, chosen or biological, as an obligation.

Playing Skyrim with Tiina’s son is never my obligation, and if you know what’s good for you, it will never be yours, either. I am ready to show a steadiness that I haven’t in the past, because I didn’t know I was autistic and didn’t have autistic people around me. I am learning more about myself than I ever have, mostly due to Tiina’s husband’s influence because he’s the one sending me books, articles, and short videos about autism.

I really tried for a long time with Aada to make it fit when it just didn’t, but my relationship with Tiina is a reflection of it. I didn’t want romance from Aada, either. Just a feeling of belonging that she couldn’t or wouldn’t give. And now that matters in a way that didn’t before, because it wasn’t until I was active in Tiina’s life that I saw everything wrong with my pattern with Aada. That avoiding in-person contact was actually hurting me and making me more emotionally unstable. But that’s not her fault- that’s on me for not recognizing it.

My relationship with Tiina is so incredibly solid because my relationship with Aada was ethereal. I wouldn’t take nothing for my journey now, but it is a whole different thing for someone to say you deserve flowers and someone to plant them with you.

Goat, Not Kidding

~ Leslie Lanagan ~ 2 Comments
Daily writing prompt
If you had to be an animal for a week, which one would you be and why?
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I already have the stubbornness of an old goat because I’ve been fighting with a Finnish woman for 12 years (those of you who have Finnish friends, I am laughing at myself. This is not punching down. This is stubbornness on both sides that is sometimes embarrassing to watch). But this history with Aada has prepared me for a future with Tiina, who owns actual goats. They’re adorable and I love both watching them and interacting. The way they take weeds from my hands while giving me polite kisses makes my whole day.

The problem with the relationship with Aada is that I wanted to be there to absorb all her pain, so I ended up absorbing all the pain in both of us. Relationships between someone who is anxious and someone who is avoidant often end up like that, even if they didn’t start that way originally. It slowly becomes a division of labor.

I took absolutely everything I loved about Aada and made those things my barometer for keeping friends. What didn’t work online absolutely does in real life. I am a part of Aada’s community now simply because of geography, and not because I tried to chase anything but stability.

Tiina is also a Finnish woman with sinivalkoinen grit. If there is a task to be done, she puts the sisu into it.

Being around Aada all those years trained me to see past words into the actions that matter.

She told me that I caused irreparable damage, but didn’t see that I’d already hospitalized myself several times trying to get right with her. It was never that her perceptions of me were invalid. I often did need help. I often did pop off when I was angry. I never had a good sense of what was okay to publish and what wasn’t. That isn’t her fault, but by the same token she didn’t accept that being my friend meant being part of my narrative. She tried to end the relationship many times because of it and so did I, but we were so attracted to each other cognitively that we coudn’t stay away.

Aada was never going to be my romantic love. She’s the online persona that has made my nervous system settle, but has refused to ground it. I need grounding, so I turned toward Tiina instead.

That’s because Tiina will let me snuggle with her dog, and Aada will let me hear about hers.

It isn’t punishment, it’s reality. Aada couldn’t meet me at altitude, so I found someone who could instead of continually raging against the light. She was so right that I should have done it years ago, but I felt trapped in a moment and couldn’t get out of it. Autism is a thing.

And when I say “autism is a thing,” that’s when most people tune out and say, “you’re using your disability as an excuse.” No the hell I am not. I am explaining the neurological differences I have in a relationship that are not all due to my personality. I process information differently coming in and going out, and to ignore that and make all things equal is dehumanizing in often a very polite kind of way.

And if someone replies, “well, I’m autistic, too. Your point is invalid,” my response is “just because you also have cognitive differences doesn’t mean that you interpreted me correctly and I was never dismissing your experience by explaining mine.” Internalized ableism is often harder to deal with because friendly fire always is.

Everyone in Tiina’s universe is neurodivergent and we function better together because of it. But that doesn’t mean that we don’t have issues. It means that the way we communicate about them is different. I never want to take that for granted, that with both Tiina and Brian I have to explain myself in terms of accountability, but never in terms of sensory issues, meltdown, and burnout.

And in fact Brian was listening to an audiobook about neurodivergence when I got into his car the other day, and I liked it so I downloaded it. Brian sent me links to other ones, and I grabbed them as well; I’m an Audible subscriber that doesn’t remember that they have it and credits build up. It has led to a lot of crying in my car as I sit through my life viewed through symptoms. There’s a lot of “that was never my fault and I’m hurting.” I was misinterpreted as neurotypical from the time I was a baby, pegged as a liar when I have a neurodivergent communication style, the whole works.

What I have in Tiina is equality and equity because she has the ability to view me accurately. Not that my relationship with Aada was a lie, but because she never met me in person she cannot possibly see all that Tiina does. My favorite thing she does is let me wake up at her house, stumble to the Keurig, and look out over the animals from the bay window in the kitchen. There’s a table right there, from where I can see the goats, pigs, geese, chickens, and big dogs (only Maclaren the Frenchie lives in the house).

Baby Goat is my favorite animal, because we’re both members of the queer community. They are intersex. 😉

It’s the little things that matter, such as preparing for Ayalla’s baby shower and being there for Tiina’s other kids when she’s focusing on the oldest daughter (and her new grandbaby). Yoni, Tiina’s oldest son, is also welcoming a baby in the fall and I will be there for that, too.

I never wanted to be all that and a bag of chips for Aada’s family unless she wanted that. I was very angry that a handshake was just too much effort, because I had so much love to give. It caused me to act out in all kinds of harmful ways because my nervous system was dysregulated and I felt like crap all the time. I made it worse by publishing my feelings about it, but it wasn’t a problem that I publish my feelings about everyone and everything until it was her. I was stunning at character analysis with everyone except the woman I love most in the world.

Yeah, I just don’t buy it. Read my archives.

But I can love her “most in the world” because she has the most mystique. I don’t really have a concrete idea of who it is that I love. I know bits and pieces, the fragments of her life that she has allowed me to carry. I didn’t handle them well, and for that I am sorry. It was not my intention to melt down and burn out, but that is what happened.

The difference is that I don’t expect my explanations to equal forgiveness. I expect context to foster repair if there is any. I do not think apologies come without changed behavior. For me, that’s having a better sense of what to publish and what not to for everyone in my whole life, not just Aada alone.

My life has changed because I have a creative partner in the work. Someone who is on stage because she’s a part of my life and not because I am chasing an idea in any kind of theatrical way. Writing about Aada was trying to capture the stars.

Tiina is a constant resource for “can I tell this?” and when I said, “I only talk about things that happen in the first person. I don’t write hearsay,” she said, “I get it.” We bounce ideas off of each other constantly because right now, that’s the kind of partner I need- someone that sparks me in the writing, and not anywhere else.

Platonic friendships that have their own special click is underrated.

Last night, my ego grew about 10 sizes when Tiina sent me a parenting video…………………………

Look at you sending me parenting videos like those are now my hellions, too. YASSSSSS.

It’s Been a Long Few Days

~ Leslie Lanagan ~ Leave a comment

I entered a Black space and caused all kinds of hell because I said something insensitive without knowing it and dug in, because I wasn’t arguing on the base of color, I was arguing on the basis of autism. All of my words were viewed through a lens that said “racist,” and once the frame shifted, I could no longer get out of it. I have spent my day in reflection and repair, with people still getting angry after Copilot’s analysis of the situation. They told me that Copilot was racist as well. So, I tagged Microsoft on that one, because they might be right. Whiteness is over-represented in AI because the source code is also centered in whiteness.

It reminds me of the narrative with Aada always being that I was the one that was the problem. She never understood my communication style and I would get more and more defensive trying to figure out how to get through to her. I was constantly met with “nothing is ever good enough for you” instead of attempts to repair and reflect on her own.

I spent most of my life trying to repair things with her, and it became a toxic spiral because that’s what the Internet does the best. Wanting to take my relationship offline with her was not a way to get her alone or to make her feel uncomfortable. It was so we could stop communicating via this medium.

The internet destroyed us, so only time at the farm or the lake house would actually help. I would love it if Tiina met Aada and she got to see me interact with the whole Tiinaverse, rather than the preconceived lens that she built for me. It has been a slog trying to get her to see me as a person, because she pegged me as a dictator instead. That was all neurodivergent communication that doesn’t matter whether Aada is also neurodivergent or not. Just because you’re ADHD/Autistic/PTSD or whatever doesn’t mean that you have interpreted another person with those cognitive differences correctly.

I got hot under the collar and published things I clearly shouldn’t have (the relationship ended), but it needed to end. I am not kicking Aada out of my life with that statement, just saying that it will never happen with her if she doesn’t show up and plant something with me. I want dirt under both of our fingernails.

The lens I’ve been interpreted through is that this is all about attraction when I am not attracted to other people and treat them exactly the same way that I do Aada. Attraction has always been my bag to deal with and it’s been hard as shit. But what I wanted with Aada was not to force her into anything she didn’t want, but to make our relationship more supportive on both sides. Because of my blog, she constantly acted like it was a weird hostage situation, and once the frame shifted, our friendship was gone.

The irony is that I left the relationship because it did feel like a hostage situation, just in reverse. Her secrets undid me in the best and worst of ways, and then she wouldn’t take accountability for the changes in my life she made that wouldn’t have happened otherwise. But of course, she is not ready for that conversation because she gets defensive at ever having it.

Everything that happened when I was dysregulated was a choice. Absolutely. But I was saving myself for the first time. I was getting out of the story she wrote for me after going above and beyond to try and make things right. I don’t get to decide how long she’s hurt, but I do think it’s time to stop punishing myself.

I am taking accountability for the harm and impact of my words, and I always have. I’ve just always made my first pass literal and explanatory so she thought I was trying to avoid it. Not being able to experience that in real time as we looked into each other’s eyes is a loss.

I needed me too much to reach toward her, because I’d spent 12 years trying and getting sicker. That’s because I got mixed signals and was constantly trying to fix everything. I was in repair mode a hundred percent of the time, surprised that I could get so much wrong so quickly.

Here’s a conversation from Threads that mirrors my relationship with Aada in its entirety:

You are beyond full of shit, quit using your neurodivergent conditions as an excuse for you inability to leave Black creators alone and your inability to make an apology without centering and making yourself the victim in a situation you created… you know when you create the situation you are in fact the villain.

Reply to just_evans99…
ldlanagan
2m

I took responsibility for that long ago, and people like you continue to pile on. It is proving my point that instead of being honest with each other, moral outrage has become a performance. I explained what happened with me both emotionally and neurologically, with a little psychology thrown in for good measure. I have done a complete excavation in public, which is more than most people ever get in terms of apology.

It was either neurotypical criticism or neurodivergent because you cannot tell internalized ableism from ableism in general.

The way this mirrors my relationship with Aada is that the same thing happened. I was pegged as the problem and all my responses were seen through “they’re a racist,” meanwhile they’re constantly misgendering me like it doesn’t matter. One woman even said I deserved to be bullied physically over a comment that said “bug off.”

It was an insensitive twit thing to say, but she said that I would get Black people killed, said she was coming to Baltimore to get an apology and insinuating I wouldn’t like it, and proceeded to contact Carlos on Facebook when he disagreed with her. He was just the first commenter, we weren’t “building a case.”

He has said that now I don’t owe anyone anything, because I have apologized to the best of my ability and it has been sincere. But because the two situations mirror each other, the only thing that has made me feel better is talking to my Black therapist who absolutely didn’t care that I invoked him in the Thread (I use my white friends all the time). My point was not that I couldn’t say a racist thing because I have a Black therapist, but that I don’t process my feelings with other white people who will reinforce my narrative.

I have never been hanging out with people because they help me enforce my own story. I have been reflecting the story that has been happening. Doing that gets me into a lot of trouble all the time, because even though I explained that the criticism “couldn’t leave Black creators alone” wasn’t reality because Meta curates my feed, that was also not accepted.

Everyone, AI and human, told me to disconnect and avoid from now on. I’m still on Threads, but I’m not interacting with the people on that particular thread because someone else has already got it. They’re pointing out my replies that include apologies when people say I didn’t give one. That really helps me to feel that I am an accountability taker, it just doesn’t come in the form anyone expects.

I was pegged as a liar because of my words in all cases, and that’s typical for neurodivergent communication. It was argued that “neurodivergent communication” doesn’t exist, but there are definitely differences across race in addition to the ones that happen inside them.

That was the only point I was making, and it was proved over and over. The margin for error is razor thin. People nope out before the interesting part of the conversation begins.

And now it has begun….. not because I meant to start it. Because I have a lot of experience in finishing it.

Compensatory skills matter.