Dana and I have been working on what it means to slip into truly long-term relationship with each other, and what it takes to keep that connection unbreakable. February 4th, we’ll celebrate our 7th anniversary as a married couple and almost four years of friendship before that. The success of this relationship is that I went into it with absolutely no expectation except lamb, because that’s what Dana said we were having for lunch.
We didn’t go into our relationship with any balance of power issues at all, so there was no reminder of the struggles I’d had with trying to create relationship with people who couldn’t get in touch with their feelings in the first place. My pattern was to conclude that I needed direction and I couldn’t provide it, so I would let my girlfriends absolutely own me until I couldn’t stand it anymore, because the problem with people getting a little bit of power in the relationship is that unchecked, they have all of it. Depending on the person’s personality, they probably like it a lot….. while you’re struggling with what kind of pillow with which you want to smother them.
Avoiding this whole scenario has taken a lot of previous roadblocks out of my way.
Argo, whom I lovingly refer to as my “wine and yoga pants girlfriend” to differentiate from my “I want to scratch my nails down your back” girlfriend, also took a lot of the roadblocks in my way and blasted them with dynamite so that I couldn’t even find the pieces. It was then that I found out just how big my heart could be.
Once my personality started to feel bigger due to lack of shame, allowing myself to need things allowed me to need space. I moved out of our joint bedroom into one of the other bedrooms in the house because just like when I was a kid, I want and need my own space with a door that locks. That way, all my papers and effects are secure…. and it doesn’t have anything to do with keeping Dana away from them. She can rifle through my desk and computer all she wants, because I’m not afraid of what she thinks of me. She’s my wife. I trust her to tell me when she thinks I’m doing something wrong and I listen. Dana and I have been together long enough that neither of us want to stop the other from being the best individual they can, while still having enough unity and strength to be entwined like tree trunks.
Moving into separate bedrooms is not a way to chop through that core. Just a way to ensure that the external branches don’t wither and die. For instance, I work nights and Dana works days. When we’re both working, it is an empowering feeling to have our own bedrooms, because it says, “I have my shit together all on my own.” It also says, “I have a naughty neighbor fantasy.” There aren’t even words to describe the fact that I have a single person’s life in a married person’s house, because it shows that Dana and I can each accept the fullness of the other person’s being. That her space is just as important as mine.
She says that her room is more “importanter” than mine because it’s bigger. Mine has a nice window on the backyard, bitch.
There’s also that single person feeling after a night of flirting and dancing that you are about to invite a woman into your bed. I get that feeling all day, every day. Inviting a woman into my bed. Just saying it makes me shiver with anticipation.