Right now I am doing restoration on my iPhone and iPad, because I have no idea what is causing it to fill up so fast. I think it’s that podcasts are being automatically downloaded in the background, so I switched to Stitcher Radio for them. I can just download the one I want to listen to on the Metro instead of downing them all. I also re-downloaded the U2 album that comes with the iPhone, because it’s not automatically installed anymore. I could listen to it over and over, and I do. The Miracle of Joey Ramone is a great song, no matter how mad people got over the “wasted space.” I am also fond of “Every Breaking Wave.” I suppose that if Apple wants to take up space on your iPhone, U2 wasn’t a bad way to do it. I remember that there used to be a U2-themed iPod, as well. Really regretting the decision not to get one of those……….
I need to go shopping after work, and I really don’t want to. I hate the crowds of people, and I’d rather just come home and crash. However, I am running out of basics like milk, and Lord knows I need that. A chai does not happen without it. Neither does macaroni and cheese. I am really stuck in that “social interaction needed to maintain isolation” hole. I don’t have time to go to the grocery store when the crowds are at a minimum. Even with Klonopin on board, I am not the best in a crowd-like situation unless people I know are involved. When I get into crowds, I tend to suit up and the hilarious mask comes out, but it doesn’t really feel like my authentic self. It feels like The Leslie Lanagan Show.™ She is someone that is likable and friendly, while on the inside I am trying my dead-level best to escape. I haven’t found a way to be my authentic self in a crowd, but it’s coming. I’m just not there yet. It’s one of the parts I miss about being married to Dana, because she ran interference extraordinarily well and knew the exact moment when I was done. There is only so much togetherness I can take.
I have so much going on in my head because of my ADHD that it’s hard to process my own thoughts, much less take in anyone else’s simultaneously. It’s too many browser windows open, because my sensory perception is so high. I would rather be lost in my own head in the privacy of my own room. I am insular to a fault, literally. The pendulum has swung too far, and I find myself actively avoiding social interaction, except with the people closest to me. Maybe this is normal as you age, and maybe it’s not. Whatever it is, I don’t like it. Going out and doing things just feels like a gargantuan task instead of a minor hassle.
I am glad that I share my office with only one other person. I’ve said it before, but I just become more and more grateful every day. There’s not really any noise, so when I’m working on something, I can focus just as well as I can at home. Alert Logic was an open office plan, and it made me crazier than I already am, which is saying a lot. 😉 Aaron says it’s gotten even busier since I left, which makes me even more grateful to be in a quiet office in a quiet neighborhood. The only thing that ever interrupts me is the cracking and popping of the tin roof when it expands and contracts.
I forgot my headphones today, and I wish I hadn’t. At least when I get my laptop, I’ll have speakers. I need something to interrupt the quiet, like playing Ray Lynch quietly as I work. I’m coding today, which makes me extraordinarily happy. It’s quiet work that will yield visually sumptuous results, which is right up my alley. I’m learning a lot about e-mail marketing and how to catch your eye when you open it….. eight-by-ten color glossy pictures with circles and arrows and a paragraph on the back.
It’s interesting telling people what kind of job I got, because in the first few seconds their eyes glaze over. Apparently, nerding out is insular as well. Actually, I can explain what I do better to my youth group than I can my own age group, because they grew up in the age of coding and a lot of them are doing it themselves in school. If I ever have questions, I have several resources on Sunday nights. It’s a cool feeling, watching them make their way in the world.
Last night, someone mentioned me being single and I said, “yes. I am single and I don’t have any children. I find it easier to have other people’s children.” One of the moms said, “it’s always nice to have a place to drop them back off.” My sentiments exactly. However, one of the littlest girls in the children’s choir had a solo on Sunday and my ovaries exploded.
I have gotten over my fuzziness from my sleeping medication, probably because I was able to down two cups of coffee in record time because it was cold. I make a full pot, turn the heat off immediately, and set it out to cool. Then, I take the carafe upstairs. I drink it black with no sugar if it’s cold. Therefore, no calories and extremely refreshing.
It gets me going for the day, but I try not to overdo it. No amount of sleeping medication will put me out if I drink too much caffeine, a lesson learned over and over………….. You’d think I wouldn’t forget, but I do.
In fact, I’m going to chance it and have a cup right now. You know that thing I was saying about not being fuzzy anymore? I think I just felt another wave. Maybe it’s the Sudafed. Whatever it is, I’m going to get rid of it.
I need to restore my hardware.