It was ridiculous. I have actual self-confidence and feel relaxed because I have a life that my nervous system can handle. I was masking so hard that living took up too much of my energy to also get out and do things….. as in, I had no life outside of work (when I did it) and my writing is obsessive because I’m trying to make up for lost time. The family systems I was part of think that I wrecked them because I’m a truth teller. That’s their story and they can have it. Writing about them warmly would have come from them doing things that were warm. They did not like the reflection in the mirror they saw, so they didn’t want any part of me anymore. I am not a victim. I was born to be a truth teller, and that person always interrupts the systems they inhabit.
We could have all changed paths together, but we didn’t. They went back to what they do and I went back to what I do in a family that accepts all of my weird. This is the best conversation of the day…….
10yo: Why do YOU get a shake?
Tiina: Because Leslie loves me.
Me: To be clear, I love all of you, I just love you a little bit less.
Cue Tiina trying not to spit shake everywhere and I see my work here is done.
We were due at Pride by 10 AM, so I left Baltimore at 0700, texting Tiina that I was headed to her and to let me know if she wanted coffee. She said, “sure.” Her standard order is the Cuban roast, but I asked her if she wanted drip or a shake. I knew that would pique her interest. It’s so simple- vanilla soft serve and espresso.
I also got a shake, but mine was a black and white. I’d had enough caffeine for the day. It was the right amount of chocolate, similar to a Wendy’s Frosty. I hadn’t had breakfast and it was a quick way to slam calories down. I decided that today I’d eat and drink whatever I wanted because I wasn’t there to find love. I was there to bring bagels.
Which were spectacular, by the way, and everyone loved them. They were bright rainbow colors and from THB, one of the best bagel places in my neighborhood.
I sat and chatted with everyone, checking in on the very pregnant Ayalla and thinking “any day now.” Tiina’s kids love me and I’m looking forward to being their safe adult while Ayalla is in labor. They’re too young to just hang out at the hospital and I know the rules of the road. I also like being out at their house, so we’ll have a good time. I just need to remember to ask Tiina what the password is to the PS5. If I do not know it, there will be open revolt.
It would honestly be interesting to see which child tried to cut me first.
They’re amazing children. Don’t turn your back.
So now memories are coming up for me as I imprint on them. I’m very much my dad and thank God for that. My mother criticized me relentlessly and that is not what I want for Tiina’s children. I have to suppress my first reaction, always. That’s because even if it’s right, they don’t deserve it raw.
So something I believed as a kid is probably that criticism is love.
I am being different now.
Stories That Are All True 